April 19, 2007
We Read The Weeklies
On time this week! Last week's winner: the East Bay Express. All pro-Wiccan letters except for one, which says witchcraft is not a religion. That's right -- it's a sandwich store! The mayors of Alameda and Oakland suck. Skating in the East Bay. Cover article: a local Burning Man DJ is popular, wants to get into hip-hop. That new movie by the Shawn of the Dead guys is pretty funny. Is payola coming back for web radio? And no more crack rap, please. Also, a birthday party for John Adams, and Savage Love forgot about adoption.
Next, the SF Weekly. Creepy dude in the letters section, in response to the women's sex article last week! Creepy! Matt (Smith) on Matt (Gonzalez). Hey, we made it in by name in the Will Harper Ruby Rippey-Tourk fake questions list! (Maybe we are Ruby Rippey-Tourk..... maybe we are!) David Campos has a bounce in the polls after the cops call him pro-pot. Cover: the woman who runs all those live-action alternate-reality games in SF. She also started flashmobs. Ha! We love the phrase "clenched-smile Dede Wilsey"! Also, Matt Gonzalez is having a collage art show (not discussed in the Matt Smith column). Cookoff game for the Wii. Meredith enjoys Chinese food in Daly City. SFist Ced is suspicious! And Let's Get Killed was in South America, but she's back with the latest and greatest in local indie rock. Plus: Amy Winehouse probably should go to rehab.
After the jump: the San Jose Metro, the Guardian, the Weekly of the Week, and the YTD!
The SJ Metro: Letter writer excoriates a Metro cartoonist for saying he doesn't like "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. Gary Singh on Chuck Barry -- what? no San Jose connection? Annalee Newitz says Twitter makes things run faster. Socialized medicine in California would be cool. Dresses. Cover article: vitamin pills sold in a pyramid scheme in the South Bay. Desserts in Sunnyvale. South Bay restaurants. That movie by the Shaun of the Dead guys is pretty funny. Gary Singh loves SF metal of the 80s. And the Straight Dope on breastfeeding.
And the Guardian: Oh no, it's the Green Issue. However, Aaron Peskin and Chris Daly jointly write an editorial about making MUNI awesome. It's been five months since Gavin Newsom promised to start planning for the next Castro Halloween and he still hasn't done anything. We know, that's totally not like Gavin to say something and then not do it! Jim Meko wants to shut down a gay dive bar in SoMa. All that nasty stuff on the streets is getting swept into our sewers by street cleaning. Can't we let the Islais Mission Creek run free? (That would actually be really cool!). Gavin lied about switching to biodiesel. We know, that's totally not like Gavin to say something and then not do it! Obligatory PG&E sucks article. Okay, we'll admit it, the Green articles weren't as tedious as we thought they'd be. Aaron McGruder from the Boondocks is speaking this week. Ha! We love the band name "Somebody Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin." L.E. Leone gets laid. And Barry Zito's horoscope: Despite all his success, he's "working out a sense of hopelessness."
Weekly of the Week: The Guardian almost won based on the power of our extremely low expectations for the Green Issue (we were totally expecting, like, "Learning To Love Your Compost Heap" and "Lentils: the New White Meat"), but the Weekly had just too much goodness in it this week to be denied! The hilariously creepy letter, the LARP games, Matt Gonzalez's collage exhibition.... and our name in the Will Harper is a total bonus! Now we're wondering.... are we in fact Ruby Rippey-Tourk?
YTD count: SF Weekly: 5 (this week's winner!). SFBG: 5, EBX: 4, Metro: 3.
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Now that you've mention "the" name, I have a revelation I'd like everyone to know about.
I’m in the Nth Step of a recovery program and my confession is this: I'm in love with Ruby Rippey-Tourk.
No, not that one, not the real Ruby of sex-scandal fame, the Ruby every real man would die for.
I am in love with the name Ruby Rippey-Tourk.
God! It is the most tongue-caressing series of syllables I've ever run across. Sometimes I just sit around saying it out loud. I read the whole city attorney's "final" report of the Timesheet Caper fifteen times because the name Ruby Rippey-Tourk appeared several times on each of the 31 pages. What an experience. I've even tried variations of it, like Ruby Rippey Hyphen Tourk.
Let me clear up one point right now. I don't like "Ruby Rippey Turk." That's the way everyone pronounces Tourk, but it isn't right. I like the way someone would instinctively say Tourk, like in fork, pork, or Mork as in Mindy's Mork.
Anyway, as I became comfortable with the rhythm of Ruby Rippey Hyphen Tourk, I tried to imagine how it would sound with a middle name like, say, Rachel or Russell. Women today often use masculine-sounding names like Rock or Stud for business purposes or to foil stalkers who check the phone directories for feminine names. In terms of rhythm, both Rachel and Russell work okay. Say them along with me: Ruby Rachel Rippey HyphenTourk. Ruby Russell Rippey Hyphen Tourk. Sounds fine, eh?
But neither seemed quite right. I struggled a long time for the best syllabic flow and finally settled on Rose. As well as symbolizing both beauty and thorns (two characteristics of the real Ruby), Rose is just plain easy on the ears. It's a soft sounding name that evokes beautiful lyrics. Try this when you're alone unless you aren't easily embarrassed: Ruby Rose Rippey Hyphen Tourk. This is almost orgasmic.
So now when I get bored reading inane blogs and lies by politicians, I repeat my mantra--Ruby Rose Rippey Hyphen Tourk. Soon, my eyes glaze and life is simpler.
I'm really worried though, afraid that my mantra will someday become a distant memory. What will happen to the Hyphen Tourk part of the name if the real Ruby's marriage disappears in a puff of smoke? What an unbearable tragedy, for me and San Francisco. The city and the world would lose an icon.
The only thing worse would be Newsom's reelection in November.