We're Hating Because we Care
Dear 511.org,
We're friends, right? Yeah, sure we are. That's why we've got to have this little talk. Look, we love you, of course, but we can't just sit idly by and watch what you're doing to yourself. For crying out loud, you're just one green umbrella away from shaving your head and attacking your ex's car!
Here's the thing. Back when you started pleading with us to be your friend, we felt bad for you. Honestly. We know it hurts to hear, but it's for your own good. You were just so bad at wanting to befriend us -- you didn't even have a MySpace! Instead you threw up this tacky, spammy, fill-in-the-blanks webform that doesn't even have a privacy policy! Five-eleven -- pal -- you're as bad at making friends as you are at everything else. You might as well have put up a web page that says, "do you like me yes no circle one."
Wait, don't start crying. It won't help. We're on a roll. You can't stop us now.
Let's talk about your user interface, for example. It sucks. Just look at your front page -- what the hell is going on there? Did you even plan out an attention map, like a good website should, or did you make a vomitous unreadable collage on purpose?
Stop sobbing, for heaven's sake. We haven't even gotten to the really bad parts.
And your Trip Planner. It's a joke. That's right. Everyone's laughing at you, Five-eleven. We know, we know -- you thought they we laughing with you, but they're not. All your friends are growing up and working well and actually serving useful data. At this point, even Duluth, Minnesota has a better trip planner than you.
Yes. That's right. Fucking Duluth.
Here's the problem, Five-eleven: you're just not operating with your users in mind. You've thrown all kinds of seemingly random, disconnected data up on the website, with no consideration for how users might actually want to use it. For example, a few weeks ago we had a job interview up in the North Bay. We looked all over your site, and discovered that the 70 drove by our destination, but we couldn't figure out from your incomprehensible map where it actually stops. There's a list of stops on the route schedule, but none of their names seem to mean anything. Where exactly is the "Commerce Blvd N & Rohnert Park Exwy" stop? We could probably locate it with some hunting around on Google maps, but come on, Five-eleven, you don't want us to have to do that, do you? It'll just make us hate you even more.
But it gets even worse.
So, trying to figure out where exactly the busses stop -- a reasonable thing to want to know, right? -- we actually put in a phone call to Golden Gate Transit. The operator we spoke to had no fucking clue where the busses stopped, but promised to mail us the information we needed. A few days later, guess what arrived at our home? A printout of the website.
Sorry. We didn't mean to get all italicized there. But sometimes, it's hard being your friend, Five-eleven.
And now you're announcing that you're removing features from your hotline? The actual 511 phone number after which you're named? From now on, you say, users will have to sign up ahead of time on your website before calling, and can only get information on a limited selection of lines which they've pre-selected. Forgive us, Five-eleven, but that's just pure evil. When we're stuck at an unfamiliar bus stop late at night -- a time when we are MOST LIKELY TO NEED YOU -- you're going to refuse to give us the info we need? Well, that's just typical.
You've got to clean up your act, Five-eleven. Start talking to your users; find out what they want you to do, because it's clear that right now you haven't got a clue.
Until then ... we just don't think we can be friends anymore. It's just too painful.
Love,
Us