The Warriors: 10 Things I Hate About You
Warriors, baby, we need to talk. With Monday night's double kiss off -- a demoralizing loss to the Nuggets in Denver and the news that Baron Davis is going under the knife -- our relationship in on the rocks. Again. Sigh.
As such, we find ourselves on the horns of a dilemma. Should we shoulder the slings and arrows of the last month and give you one last chance to make it up to us with a playoff berth, or should we go ahead and change the locks on this season?
Don't get us wrong, you're still looking pretty damn fine, even with the 24-29 record you've put on since the holidays. It's not like Denver, Minnesota, or the Clips are smokin' hot. You're just 1.5 games out of the playoffs in the Western Conference and we have to admit, the thought of having you in the playoffs is sooo hot. Of course, with Nawlklahoma, Sacramento, Portland, and even Seattle sniffing around lately, you need to show us a little love back. This relationship is a two-way street you know.
You can give us those come-hither looks all you want Warriors, but we're not feeling the love. And baby, you've really let yourself go. Photo from espn.com.
So, in the spirit of Valentine's Day, we've penned you a ten-point manifesto of sweet nothings.
1. Aim high. The ultimate goal should be a championship. Come on baby, you're better than just a .500 record or the playoffs, but until you believe in yourself, you've got a better chance of winning the Lottery than of winning an NBA title.
2. Get a plan. Just ask your little friends Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld what happens when you don't have a plan for your future. What is your vision for the future? What are we building? What are the pieces? What needs to be done? How are you going to go about doing that? How long will it take? Given that anything can happen yadda yadda, if you can't provide specific answers to these questions right now, this second, then we a need a change, right now, this second. If you've got some answers, we'd love to hear 'em.
3. Grow up. When are you going to get it through your head that up-tempo small-ball is NOT the answer. Never has been, wasn't this year, and won't never be. Start shopping for some platform shoes this summer, because when we see you next fall, you need to be a lot taller.
4. Give Patrick O'Bryant a chance. With all the injuries and the lineup shuffling and the deficient rebounding and all your other bullshit, you can't find a spot on your supposedly paper-thin roster for a rangy seven-footer with soft hands? Isn't this the same mistake you made with Andris Biedrins and Monta Ellis? Get POB out of the D-league and give him some PT.
5. Make the draft count. When was the last time you drafted somebody that had an immediate impact? Trade up, trade down, trade away, do something, but make it count this time.
6. DEE-frickin'-FENSE!
7. Learn some discipline. Time and again, when the going gets tough, you fall back to your wicked ways: one-on-one bull drives to the hoop and errant threes. How 'bout we draw up some real-life set offensive plays that aren't dependent on a long-range jumper or a fast break, and then we execute them. And then execute them again. And then again. Can we do that honey? Good. How many times are we going to pass the ball before we shoot? Four. FOUR!!!!
8. Go big time. The Murphleavy trade was like a jolt of super colon-blow for our relationship. Now that the air has been cleared, it's time to make up by signing a big-name free agent or orchestrating a trade for a marquee player. We need star power, baby. Consider this: Baron is never going to play a full season injury free. Just putting that out there. Strictly your call. Just saying.
9. Get rid of some of your stuff. Stop with the backcourt already. We've got swingmen coming out of our heart-shaped boxes here. Package up Jason Richardson and Mickeal Pietrus, throw in our 2007 first round draft pick and Sarunas Jasikevicius and let's go out there and take care of #8 on our list. Keep Monta Ellis, Akeena Azumbuike, Stephen Jackson and either Baron or JRich.
10. Remember who loves you, baby. We're more than just a source of revenue you know. Believe it or not, we have feelings, and it hurts when you just take us for granted. You take and you take and you take, and what have you given back to us these last 12 years? We've given year-upon-year of record attendance and you've given us nothing but increased ticket prices and a whole lot of empty talk in return. It's about us too you know. It's time you put a winning team on the court and left the marketing fluff at the door.
Can you do these things for us Warriors? Can you? Or should we finally give in and start taking the Lakers' calls?