When I slap you, you'll take it and like it, see! Negative portrayals of Asian-Americans and gays aside, we do still love Humphrey Bogart in the Maltese Falcon -- so you know we're avidly following the news that someone has stolen the famous jewel-stuffed bird from the John's Grill restaurant on the edge of the Tenderloin, where Dashiell Hammett used to hang out. There's a $25,000 reward for the bird's return. (We're just giving this story to you straight because, while the Chron's "hard-boiled" writeup of the story is pretty funny, we found it next to impossible to actually glean any actual information from the article as a result.)

The bird that was stolen is not the actual lead bird prop from the movie -- it's a plaster replica, which was given to John's Grill by Elisha Cook Jr., the actor who was exhorted to take being slapped like a man and like it by Mr. Bogart. The thieves also made off with the restaurant's collection of Dashiell Hammett and Herb Caen books.

We're not going to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet just for the sake of making some jokes about the stolen bird (though all San Franciscans should see the movie immediately if you haven't already!) -- but we will say, the parallels to today abound. Wasn't Spade also fooling around with the wife of his erstwhile best buddy?

We hope they find the bird and the Dashiell Hammett books soon -- that's a part of San Francisco history.