We have no illusions anyone's going to read this column today what with all this news about Gavin Newsom's affair with his campaign manager's wife -- but we soldier on nonetheless.

Last week's winner, the SF Weekly. Matt Smith rails about some kind of corruption at SFO. No, not an affair with your campaign manager's wife. The Apologist is leaving the Weekly -- oh no! The final Apologist -- are you an Apologist for the Apologist? Brilliant. We always loved you, Apologist -- best of luck to you in the future. The SFPOA got fined by the Ethics Commission over the District 6 race (but only for a clerical error). Also, that W article about the Gettys and Trainas was stupid. And welcome to the Weekly, Bottom Feeder Will Harper! Cover article: Bounty hunters who hunt illegal immigrants. Meredith goes to the Presidio, and SFist Ced confesses that he's been calling her his lobster queen for years now. Of Montreal and the Shins, and rock photography on Flickr. M. Ward moved to New Hampshire. And guest columnists in Savage Love, graded by Dan.

Next up, the Bay Guardian. In their blogs -- Steven Jones and Tim Redmond are all like, we had heard rumors about the Ruby Tourk situation for months. Oh, look at them, big shots! (Don't look at us -- we didn't hear a thing. No one loves us.) Well, when they're not getting all their secret insider dirt on the Newsom administration, Tim Redmond saw some owls, and Steven Jones is upset about a Burning Man art project being set on fire (cover). The Guardian wins a round in the big Mercury News antitrust lawsuit, but you wouldn't know it from the mainstream media coverage. We're guessing this story is going to be in the "biggest stories you didn't hear" feature they run later in the year. Kimberly Chun goes to tiki bars in the East Bay. Literary section -- are letters a dying art? Yes. Make valentines at the Center for the Book. And Gavin Newsom's horoscope: "Your inner turmoil seems to have shades of authority and rebellion."

After the jump, the Metro and the East Bay Express, along with the Weekly of the Week and the YTD count!

The Metro! Phew, this issue is gigantic -- it has all the Cinequest coverage. Gary Singh walks another street in San Jose. Annalee on eBay feedback. A political consultant is blogging in the South Bay, and there's a typo in the print edition headline on the follow-up article on Dianne Feinstein's husband's conflict of interests. Not only are our football teams out of contention, our football quarterbacks are out of contention as well. Cover: the new Santa Clara DA. The challenge to tell Live Feed the food columnist about good Thai places in the South Bay still stands. A history exhibit about SJSU athletes. MC Escher art show. Wistful pop music predictions for 2007. New record store in Campbell. And the Straight Dope on fluoridation.

And the East Bay Express: Ellen Tauscher fights back! A Moonie leader is convicted for shark-poaching, and more photographers get hassled post 9/11. Cover: Hey, we thought Will Harper left already! He's got the cover as his swan song, about a conceptual art family making their conceptual art about.... running a family. We must confess we don't really get it. Literary section: readings with the author of that book about Mumbai gangs and Mary Roach, of Stiff fame. Sushi in Emeryville. And the Tin Hat Trio becomes a quintet.

Weekly of the Week: We're so bummed about the Apologist leaving! We pick answer a) "We'll give Weekly of the Week to the SF Weekly to wish the Apologist a fond farewell!"

YTD: SF Weekly: 2. SFBG: 1. EBX: 1. SJ Metro: 1.