I Could Do With A Spot of Jolliness

San Francisco's a lovely city, but it would be even nicer if someone did something about this damn Santa issue. Seriously, it's getting to be a real problem. We have no problem with legions of jolly old elves who want to swing that way in the privacy of their own homes, but when they insist on peddling their finger-aside-of-their-nose smut out in public -- where the children can see! -- tolerating them is just political correctness gone too far.

That is why you must ABSOLUTELY NOT participate in this year's Santarchy, which departs from Pier 39 at 11:30 tomorrow morning. Do not, under any circumstances, follow these instructions, which will allow you to sign up to receive up-to-the-minute text msgs that update you on the mob's exact location.

And do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, attempt to combine this debauched, cookie-eating event with any OTHER debauched, brain-eating event that may be happening that day, no matter how simultaneous the two events may be, and no matter how conveniently both events lend themselves to the wearing of the color red.

See you Saturday, then.

Thanks, mystery-tipster!