San Francisco's a lovely city, but it would be even nicer if someone did something about this damn zombie issue. Seriously, it's getting to be a real problem. We have no problem with legions of undead who want to swing that way in the privacy of their own homes, but when they insist on peddling their brain-eating smut out in public -- where the children can see! -- tolerating them is just political correctness gone too far.
That is why we must urge you in the strongest possible terms NOT to convene on Yerba Buena Gardens (y'know, the Metreon's grassy backyard) at 2:13pm on Saturday. You must ABSOLUTELY NOT attend what will surely be a massive gathering of debauched and semi-animated corpses. UNDER NO CONDITIONS should you adorn yourself in zombie-themed costumery such as one might find here, here, or here. (Given the weather forecast, we can forgive the zombies for carrying blood-spattered umbrellas.) It is IMPERATIVE that the citizenry be permitted continue their traditional holiday reveling (by which we mean shopping) unmolested by the awful howling monsters into which all humans must inevitably one day turn.
See you Saturday, then.
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