SFist Watches: Your Locals On Reality TV

In last place in Kiev, the Chos found their marked car and set off for "M. Octep. 169." Wha? Phil explains in voiceover that it is the Oster Tank School. Ah. That didn't seem to help the Chos as they soon found themselves hopelessly lost. Luckily, they found a cabbie who said he could lead them there.

Roadblock! Driving a tank through a one-mile obstacle course used in military training exercises. Pretty awesome. Team Blonde and Team (Former) Junkie Models made it through the course first, and the (former) junkies started ragging on the "genius" Chos and their book smarts, and how it wasn't helping them in the race. Yeah? Well, the Chos are still a lot prettier than you two, chumps. Eventually, the Chos did find the tanks, and Godwin did the Roadblock. AND THEN THEY WAITED FOR TEAM BAMA TO FINISH. Oh man. They have GOT to drop this alliance thing!

Next up, driving back to Kiev and looking for an apartment building, and an apartment number 33, where they'd get their next clue. Team Bama had the nerve to start complaining about how slow the Chos were driving, and how they kept stopping to ask for directions, while Bama was doing nothing to aid in the effort of finding the place. Eventually, they stopped whining and ditched the Chos. Well, at least that woke the Chos up to how stupid it was to align with them. Bama continued to piss us off as they then complained that the Chos were now following them!

In last place, the Chos learned about the Roadblock, which was a choice between Make the Music--going to an underground music club and writing and performing a rap song that incorporated the names of the countries they'd been to in the race, or Find the Music--searching through thousands of pages of sheet music, and looking for the piano part of Tchaikovsky's Concert Fantasy for Piano and Orchestra, and delivering the music to one of six pianists waiting in one of the 120 practice rooms in the National Music Academy. Once the pianist played the piece, the team would be given their next clue. The Chos chose Make the Music and then attempted to find the dance club. When they couldn't find it, they decided to do Find the Music instead. Oh...things were not looking good, as Team Bama was in the middle of their rap and the Chos were still trying to find the sheet music.

Pit Stop time, which was at the Great Patriotic War Museum. The Chos found themselves on a street that was closed to traffic, and were stopped by the cops, and forced to show documents, and needless to say, they checked in to the pit stop in last place, and were eliminated. It was a tearful elimination as they defended how they chose to run race, with their alliances with Teams Bama and Kentucky. We kind of applaud their kindness, but also realize that this race isn't about alliances; it's about coming in first, and we wish they could have realized that a little earlier...

Also? We hate Team Bama.

Well, there's no such thing as an alliance on "America's Next Top Model," but even if there were, we doubt Melrose, the only local gal in the competition, would find anyone willing to align with her.

We began this week with Melrose admitting that when she goes to a foreign country, she likes to go out to dinner, and have one or four glasses of wine. (Read: she likes to get drunk and hook-up with random local senors.) Apparently, CariDee felt the same way, as she was making out with a dude before the night was through.

Tyra Talk time! Tyra, the all and powerful, sat down to tell the girls about the harsh realities of the modeling world. Like how there isn't a coach out there who can teach the girls how to be prettier if someone tells them they just don't like their look. AHA! But "America's Next Top Model" is that coach! How lucky for them. The girls talked about their worst moments of critiquing, and Melrose pointed out how much it hurt when the panel told her she photographs old. Get used to it, honey!

It's Go-See challenge time, (not to be confused with a "Goatse" challenge. Oh god, not to be confused with that.) All the girls had to make their way around Barcelona with their portfolios and meet with as many designers as possible, and make it back to the studio by six. Some of the girls teamed up (the twins, and CariDee and Eugena), while Melrose chose to go it alone, and managed to tell ever designer she met that she designs clothes, too. And she won the Go-See challenge. OF COURSE! The prize was a catered meal with CariDee, the model Melrose chose to share the prize with. Whoop dee do!

Photo shoot time! They're in Spain, so where else would it take place but in a bullfighting arena? Nigel Barker was the photographer on the shoot, and a real bull would be their photo partner. No, not a "Red Bull," a real bull. CariDee made a crack about Nigel having a stick up his ass, and he didn't take it well, nor did Jay. Apparently, neither of them had removed the sticks up their collective asses that day.

During the shoot, Nigel was bored by Melrose's poses, and felt she was trying too hard to impress him, and not hard enough on doing anything original. Plus, she kinda looked like Madonna again, which is to say, kinda old.

Panel time! Judging test! The girls had to talk smack about their competition and say who they think had the most potential, and who had the least. Melrose thought SHE had the most potential (oh, brother) and Eugena had the least. Eugena picked herself as having the most, and Amanda as having the lease. CariDee also picked herself as having the most and, again, Amanda as the least. Amanda, taking a high road, did not pick herself, but Eugena, and called out CariDee as having the least potential. Michelle didn't pick herself either, but chose CariDee as having potential, and then busted out crying, admitting she might be the weakest in the competition. As much as the girls hate Melrose, at least they can admit she's good, as no one singled her out as having no talent.

Evaluation! Tyra loved Melrose's picture, but Nigel felt it was too rehearsed. (Personally, we think she looked completely horrid in the photo.) The stupid thing about the whole shoot is they had to pose with a bull off in the distance, but for the actual photos, the bull is totally Photoshopped into the shot. Lame! Anyhoo, Melrose made it to another round, and the twins were busted up, with Amanda's passion for modeling trumping Michelle's natural talent. We also think Michelle was kind of the prettier one, but oh well.

Previously on "Survivor," Yul was still around. And that's all that matters.

At the Aitu tribe, Yul was feeling sick, and was worried how that might affect the team's effort in the challenges. It looked like they would soon be put to the test as they arrived for a challenge. Aitu learned about Raro's double elimination at the last tribal council, but we wonder if they noticed that Raro was an almost all-white tribe, while Aitu was now an all minority tribe. Hmmm. Not that it mattered, as they were then told that the tribes were merging, and they'd get to celebrate their merge with a feast complete with beer and wine.

Yul was gracious with the new tribe, while also realizing they were now all targets. Jonathan, who was having trouble with the younger generation while part of the Raro tribe, was dismayed to see them all get so drunk that they started puking. Eh, he should quit his whining and realize he'd have a better chance competing against a hungover 20-something than he would a tip-top young whipper snapper.

Yul realized he needed to start forming a new alliance, and decided he wanted Jonathan on his side. Jonathan wasn't game for it and started throwing numbers around, and talked about how he'd need to align with whoever had the secret immunity idol. Hypotheticals were tossed about, and they each went their separate ways. In an unrelated note, Jonathan sounds more and more like Alan Alda every day.

Yul told Sundra and Ozzy he had the idol, and that he wanted to get Jonathan to flip sides. Meanwhile the Raro tribe was beginning to worry about Yul. FINALLY, the existence of the secret immunity idol was beginning to play a major part in the game.

Immunity challenge, this time for individual immunity, and a pretty simple challenge it was: clinging to a pole, without using the top of the pole for any leverage. Yul pointed out the science behind why the bigger guys were having a harder time at the challenge than the chicks (and skinny Ozzy), equating it to why elephants can't run up trees. He's so thinky! But he was right, as all the guys (except for skinny Ozzy), including Yul, dropped out. Ozzy, after two hours, won immunity.

Back at camp, the former-Raro tribe all wanted to vote out Yul. Yul realized this, and told Jonathan about the idol, but Jonathan didn't want to commit to an alliance yet. He went back to Raro, and posed the hypothetical that Yul had the idol. None of Raro thought it was possible that Yul had the idol, and dismissed the notion. Jonathan realized he'd come out of council having to betray SOMEONE.

Tribal council! Blah blah, how did the merge affect the teams, yadda yadda, who's kissing whom. Let's vote! One vote for "Yuehl;" one vote for "Yule;" one vote for Nate; one vote for Yul; one vote for Nate; one vote for Nate; one vote for "Yule;" one vote for Nate--tied! And one final vote for...NATE!

Our boy Yul (and whoever Yuehl and Yule are--seriously people, WTF?) keeps his secret immunity idol, and is safe for another week. Nate, meanwhile, would like it if Jonathan could come over and kiss his ass a few times. Next week should be interesting!