The SFist NFL Preview: We Break the Season Down a Day Late And a Dollar Short

"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable"-- this goes out to, who else, Terrell "T.O." Owens who has become to ESPN what John Mark Karr was to cable news.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others"-- To the legend in his own-mind, placekicker Mike Vanderjagt, who famously called Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy too soft to win, then choked away their big playoff game last year against the Steelers by missing a last second field goal. Buh-bye Vanderjagt. Vanderjagt was then signed by a Superbowl seeking Cowboys and has since continued with his legend by missing two field goals in the final Cowboys' preseason game.

"The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it."-- To everyone's second favorite team, the New Orleans Saints who not only have to overcome their franchise's history of mediocrity but have somehow been tasked with uplifting New Orleans' citizens a year after Hurricane Katrina, rebuilding the levees, inspiring all the scattered citizens to move back, and throwing Michael Chertoff in jail for criminal incompetence.

“It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right.”-- To the Detroit Lions who have both Matt Millen and Mike Martz on their payroll. Millen squandered years and years of high draft picks on WRs who never panned out and Pal Joey, yet still somehow remains in charge of the team. Martz ran the Greatest Show on Turf but blew several years of the best offense in recent history by thinking it more important to show off his genius than actually win games. Martz just might have been the only person who thought never handing off to Marshall Faulk in the Superbowl agains the Rams was a good idea. Naturally, the team went out and got a coach, Rod Marinelli, who flew his team into Oakland the day of a Preseason game in an attempt to "toughen" them up. They, of course, got clobbered. The Lions are without a doubt, the most entertaining bad team in the NFL this year.

"That must be wonderful; I have no idea of what it means."- To the Oakland Raiders, duh. For replacing a dunderheaded QB with an even more dunderheaded QB. For signing then releasing Jeff George. For bringing Art Shell back and for bringing in an offensive coordinator last seen running a bed & breakfast. Commitment to Excellence, baby!

"I always do the first line well, but I have trouble doing the others"-- To the Indianapolis Colts for always stomping through the regular season only to fall short in the playoffs. We think it's because Dungy and Manning are too soft but we don't kick for them.

"The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit."-- For years, the Cincinnati Bengals were known as the Bungles. This year? A fantasy football manager's favorite team. As well as bail bondsmen in Ohio.

"I assure you that a learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool"-- Yeah, we know, Mike Shanahan is a genius. The greatest football coach since Moses opened a hole in the Red Sea and watched the Israelites march through to the Promised Land. And yeah, he won two Superbowls. But we always suspected he let the press clippings get to him and now thinks he can coach anyone up. Thus Jake Plummer. Thus picking RBs out of a hat to start them. Thus naming some random RB nobody has ever heard of as the starter this year. We also suspect that Bill Bellichik is under the same affliction these past couple of years and that's why we say the Pats dynasty is over.

"Assassination's the fastest way"-- Every football fan knows the Packers will suck this year, all the writers know the Packers will suck this year, Brett Favre knows the Packers will suck this year. Yet he's stuck playing for them this season. If you just watch him for a second, his entire demeanor and the look on his face just screams "help me! I want to get out of here!" He's got the same look on his face that kids do when their parents throw them in the car to take them to summer camp. Or when someone goes to see the proctologist. We have Favre crawling up into a ball and breaking down in tears sometime in Week Four in the SFist Office Pool.

"We die only once, and for such a long time- The Iggles won three division championships, played in one Superbowl, and were considered the model franchise but then they lost the Superbowl, got into it with T.O., and had a disaster of a post-Superbowl season. Now everyone is writing them off and calling them a last place team. This despite the fact that minus T.O., who was only there for a year, most of the team remains the same. Especially at QB where they have the always great Donovan F. McNabb. Don't mess with Philly, damnit, or people from Philadelphia will come over to your house and kick the crap out of you.

"There is something inexpressibly charming in falling in love and, surely, the whole pleasure lies in the fact that love isn't lasting"-- Ah remember the days when San Francisco was Niner Country. When everyone loved them some red & gold? Way back in the day, we even remember a bank somewhere downtown that had a huge, huge picture of Joe, in full TD pose, right behind its clerks. These days? It's easier to get tickets to a Niners game then tickets to see "Beerfest the Movie."

"Gold gives to the ugliest thing a certain charming air, For that without it were else a miserable affair"-- Hey, remember how the Seahawks got jobbed on a few calls in the Superbowl? Remember how they whined after the game? And then the day after the game? Then the week after the game? Then the month after the game and the month after that month and then the month after that? So bored now. Plus, the whinier teams get about things, they less focused they are on other things. For proof, we present to you the 2006 Dallas Mavericks.

"Doubts are more cruel than the worst of truths."-- This goes to anyone who drafted Daunte Culpepper and had to sit there and watch tonight's game. As well as everyone who drafted other members of the Fins thinking Daunte was going to be good. Like us.