Everybody welcome new contributor SFist Jessica, who bravely ventures where no local dares -- the world of the San Francisco tourist.

"God, tourists!" We are all familiar with the shameful epithet meant to invoke images of pasty, overfed Midwesterners milling about Fisherman's Wharf, clad in SF sweatshirts and fanny packs, and desperately trying to locate the nearest Olive Garden. For the most part, being a Tourist is a bad thing. We avoid them, we don't want to be them and shun maps and asking for help, or even any type of activity remotely involving even the idea of a guided tour. But aren't most of us not from SF? The Midwest, even? Don't we become tourists anytime we travel to visit somewhere else? Should you have to go through a moral battle over whether or not to go to Alcatraz because, yeah, it might be cool, but that's what tourists do? How many of us have friends who come from all over the globe, begging to experience SF and once you send them to Alcatraz ten times, what the hell do you do with them?

Short answer?

We have no idea. All we know is that tourists do what they do, because they are told to and some of it looks like it actually is fun. In the name of science, tourists and good nature or something, an adventure was taken on for you: The Bay Quackers tour!

After buying a smoking hot red fanny pack for $1.99 at the Goodwill, and from one of those stores on “Hey, all these stores look the same” Fisherman Wharf’s Jefferson street, a $.99 blindingly yellow polyurethane Fisherman's Wharf jacket and an Alcatraz t-shirt in which the wearer's head is the head of the Alcatraz cartoon character (how clever!), we were ready. Amidst the tourists (not only tourists, but Fisherman's Wharf tourists), we totally stuck out, and that is no easy feat.

The Bay Quackers tour, billed as "wackingly, quackingly fun,” is similar to the tour (and concept) of the duck tours in Boston, and just started in SF, fairly recently we think. (We’ve been saying since April, but have no documentation to back that up.) A DUCK boat is a WWII amphibious vehicle, which means it travels on water and land, and wouldn't be the most sneaky way to invade.

The tour starts off in Fisherman's Wharf (around the corner from In N' Out Burger and Hooters, whichever landmark you are more familiar with) and drives through North Beach, Chinatown, Union Square, SOMA and enters the water at the China Basin public loading dock, which is by AT&T Park. Our knowledgeable, although sometimes a little hard to understand, tour guide, Ingmar Olsen (sorry, Ingmar, despite treasuring our special day together, we aren’t quite sure how to spell your name) provided a lively, entertaining history of the neighborhoods and San Francisco lore, like Oofty Goofty, the origin of the word sugar daddy, the Bow and Arrow sculpture, and -- we don't want to spoil our favorite edumacational part, but four words: secret underground Chinatown tunnels!

But the bestest part (and maybe we shouldn't admit this), is the quacking and waving at everyone on the streets, from street vendors to doormen to tourists to regular SF folks. Ingmar led us in rousing rounds of quacking which we thoroughly enjoyed. There was the ready steady quack prompt which we obediently responded with a loud quack, some of us louder than others, but we won't name names. And the just as thrilling double quack. Umm.. right, remember how this is just between us and the internet will keep our secrets safe?

Hands down (there could probably be some really bad duck pun here, but eh...), besides the shouting and startling strangers on the street, the water portion of the trip is the ice cream in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone. The duck boat drives right into the water and you putter around the Bay. There are some amazing, unique views from the city here. Here's a tip though: save your camera battery for this part, so you can take amazing, beauteous, unique pictures of San Francisco and of you or your friends driving the duck boat (yes, driving the boat!), and one with you and the Captain holding hands and smiling when you return to Fisherman's Wharf.

Because we didn't do that; sadly, we blew our camera battery wad as soon as we got in the water, so now we will just have to keep all these memories close to our heart and/or render them in poignant watercolor pastels while fondly remembering our time spent with Ingmar, and you'll have to go on the tour for yourself.

rating: 4 out of 5 trolley cars (definitely worth it, especially for people unfamiliar with SF, but a little on the expensive side ... and we got seasick)
educational: yes!
tourists met: 0
fanny packs worn: 1
quacking: tons
nipples flashed: 2 (not by us; at us)
words we never thought we'd say and made our 14-year-old self never want to talk to us if we ever met in some bizarre time travel accident: "Our throats hurt from all the quacking and wearing a fanny pack is actually quite comfortable. And practical!"
best quote: In Ingmar's Swedish accent: "Look! We are making people happy, isn't that fun?"