Keep Your Hands to Yourself

The battle over lap dances in strip clubs moved to the Entertainment Commission last Friday as they held an often contentious, standing-room-only hearing on the issue. During the meeting, strippers, err "exotic dancers," testified in front of the commission to say that the proposed new rules, that calling for the ending of private rooms and booths and it's possible ending of lap dancing, could impede their ability to make money. In our minds, the testimony was given like something out of "Hot for Teacher" in which the moment the dancer got up to the podium, they tore their clothes off to reveal slinky lingerie underneath, but we have a feeling things didn't happen that way (BTW, while searching for the "Hot For Teacher" clip we also stumbled upon a bootleg video of VH doing it live in an outdoor concert in 1984 and it is awesome). Oh well. Also testifying in support of the legislation were local Bay Area rappers who claimed that no more lap dances in strip clubs would hurt their ability to "be gangsta."

Testifying for the proposed rules was members of the Commission on the Status of Women, currently residing in the top five of our "Things We'll Slash Out of the Budget for Being a Whole Waste of Tax money The Moment We Become Mayor" list, who are behind the rule changes. Emily Murase, director of the commission, proclaimed to the assembled thong throng that the issue of private booths and tables were an "issue of Human Rights." Murase then quoted from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech when she said

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. And I have a dream that dancers will no longer be forced into giving hand-jobs to drunken conventioneers from Omaha Nebraska."

The issue now goes to the Board of Supes who will be next to weigh in. We hope this story ends with that as we're running out of ways to mock this silliness.