Terrorize This

If you've been like us, you've been reading all sorts of stories about terrorist plots in a whole bunch of cities that aren't the Bay Area and feeling kind of jealous. Hey, terrorists, what about us? Aren't we good enough to terrorize? Are we not infidel enough? Does our lack of good bagels preclude us from being part of the International Zionist Conspiracy?

Luckily, reports have been coming out saying that yes indeed, the Bad Guys have been looking our way and plotting some terror.

A new report that was released by the California Department of Homeland Security, at the behest of Gov. Schwarzenegger actually, lists a whole bunch of terrorist plots that were supposedly foiled. Included are bomb threats to the Bay Bridge and people taking photos of nuclear facilities who weren't Russian Star Fleet officers looking to help bring back a couple of humpback whales. There were also reports of fertilizer being stolen, mysterious cuts in fences, and people saying bad bad things in mosques. Also people attending anti-war rallies. Oh wait, we weren't supposed to investigate that, sorry. And, in a report soon to be arch-conservatives into fits of orgasmic ecstasy, a report that someone claiming to be Hezbollah was busted in Mexico. Sadly, for them, the report was redacted.

It's also coming out that the "terrorist" who was recently busted in Lebanon for supposedly planning to blow up a bunch of tunnels in New York first wanted to blow something up in the Bay Area before he was against blowing something up in the Bay Area. According to Lebanese Security, an oxymoron if ever there was, Assem Hammoud first plotted blowing up the Golden Gate Bridge. He also thought up starting a wildfire and setting fire to one of our forests. Our favorite part of the story is how he was told not to act too religious or Islamic so decided to become a lady's man in Lebanon and Canada and went around driving a sports car and drunkenly posing for photos with cute Canadian drunken women (pictured). Somewhere in Canada, some girl is saying to her friends "Oh my God, that guy is totally like some kind of terrorist or something. I can't believe Lisa thought he was cute."