How to Get the Guy: Fourth, Smell His Armpit

Kris is with Teresa at Lush Life Nail Bar. Kris is anxious for Josh to meet her friends, but will there be chemistry between the friends and the boyfriend? Teresa tells Kris in order to make it easier on Josh, she should practice some "boyfriend PR;" basically talk him up to the friends, and tell the boyfriend all about the friends. Or, just get everyone really, really drunk, and they'll all be telling each other how much they love everyone by the end of the evening. Teresa asks, with a worried face--as if she knows all the "advice" she gives is total crap--if any of this is helpful. Kris says it helps, a LOT.

Anne is with JD at Emporio Rulli Cafe in Union Square, and is worried about what to do on her third date with Dennis. Dennis! JD says third dates should be about sharing new experiences, and that the cooking class Anne has set up is perfect. She talks about how she likes the pace she's been going at with her Dennis dates. She says that too often she moves to quick, thinks she likes someone, and they turn out to be a lunatic. Then she realizes she didn't like them, she just "did something NAUGHTY with them." Ha!

Kris is with Josh and her friends at Butterfly. Man, you can't keep the show's producers away from the Embarcadero, can you? Everyone is laughing and drinking and eating. Oh, the fun! Kris excuses herself to go to the restroom, thus leaving Josh alone and vulnerable. After an awkward silence, the friends start in with the questions. One woman asks him when his last serious relationship was, and Josh replies it was August of the previous year, and he was with her for nine months. We assume he means he broke up with her in August? The friend asks why it ended, and he said he "wasn't feeling it." Yeah, after nine months, she really should let you at least feel it. The friend then asks if he has criteria, and Josh says he does, but it's more about sensing when it's right, and he says he knew it was right the night he met Kris. He says he really likes her. Another friend asks if he thinks she might be "the one." After a really, really long pause in which we managed to eat dinner, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home and eat dinner again, Josh nods his head in the affirmative. They toast. Kris returns, and you can tell she's kind of drunk. Once she sits down a friend asks Josh to come up with three reasons why he's the right guy for Kris. Josh replies: because they have become "fast friends in, like, a limited amount of time;" because they have--and we had to rewind the TiVo four times before we could make this out--"loads in common;" and because he totally adores her. Everyone "aawwws."

It's a rainy day and Alissa and the love coaches are taking a stroll through a park. If this show was recorded around February and March, I'm surprised they got any sunny shooting days at all. JD tells Alissa that for her third date with Joey, they should stop sharing conversation and start sharing experiences. Oooo. Does he mean doin' it? Teresa says it's time to do something "dopamine releasing." Oooo. They totally mean doing it!

Michelle is out shopping with friends, and it's just too precious to detail. Michelle is talking about Darren, and how it's second date time, and she hasn't felt like kissing him yet. A friend says that it's possible to go out with someone, and not feel anything for them until the third date. Ehhh. Not likely, especially when you're dating someone else you're obviously much more interested in. She tells her friends she wanted to kiss Sean right away. She also says if something doesn't happen on her third date with him, she's going to have to "take matters into her own hands." Eewww!

Anne and Dennis are on their third date, a cooking class. Some of their friends have come along. We're not really sure what the whole menu is, but it involves mussels. As they eat, a friend mentions a cat that Dennis once had, and how it had kittens while the friend was watching it during Dennis' trip to Europe. This leads to Dennis saying he's not a cat person anymore, until Anne reacts sadly to that, at which point he says he's a cat person again. Does that mean he'll turn into a leopard if they have sex? They talk some more about chemistry, blah blah blah. End scene.

Michelle is on her second date with Darren. He's the guy that couldn't get a word in edgewise on their first date at a museum. They go over the menu, and Michelle says they HAVE to get the crispy mac and cheese. Darren says, "Cheese is...a...guilty pleasure of mine." That was weird. Michelle reads this to mean that he was a chubby kid, which he doesn't deny. She says she was chubby too. Once again, Michelle is dominating the conversation, saying that everyone is superficial in their own ways, everyone has their "types," everyone likes who they like. She then asks him if he has a preference. He says he doesn't, aside from wanting the person to be attractive. As he's talking about how someone also needs to be smart, and be able to hold a conversation or else it gets boring pretty quick, we hear Michelle in voiceover talk about how boring Darren is. She's really not giving him much of a chance. There's some awkwardness as he loads her into a cab--looked like she was going in for a hug, while he was just trying to get the cab door open--and they end the date appointment without a kiss.

"Lesson no. 8: The Third Date: Release your dopamine." It's the third date for Alissa and Joey, and they're totally doing it, if by "doing it" you mean "going to church." They're at Glide Memorial for Sunday service, and it's its usual rousing time, lots of singing and cheering. Joey, the Jewish boy from Jersey is getting into it, as are Alissa and her friends; it's actually kind of painful to watch. During Rev. Cecil Williams' sermon, Joey's got his arm around Alissa, and is constantly pawing at her. Meanwhile, Alissa is resting her head on a friend sitting next to her. Joey stokes Alissa's neck, Joey rubs her arm, Joey climbs on her lap. OK, not the last part, but in voiceover, Alissa says that she felt like Joey was "smothering" her. She's says she likes his humor, but that sometimes he can be "a bit much." She decides it's best to have a talk with him about it.

Kris is having cocktails with her friend Chantelle, and the topic of conversation is her career, world affairs, and Bush's latest poll numbers. Nah, just kidding. They're talking about Josh. Again. Kris complains about the "chastity belt" she's been wearing. Chantelle wants to know if that belt came off the other night, and Kris denies it has. She says she "knows in her heart" that Josh doesn't want to see anyone else, and that he's just waiting for her to catch up. So, while the show makes it seem like Josh is the only guy she's dating, she has basically just said that's not the case. And while some might think we'd curse her as a disease ridden whore for seeing more than one guy--which we normally would, because it's hilarious--we won't. We just don't understand why the show is saying it's OK for these other women to go out with more than one guy, while they don't seem to allow the same of Kris. We understand they think her problem was "too much" dating, but can't she do some comparison shopping, too?

Anne is at the Park Chalet and she is waiting for Jason, someone her friends have set her up with. We see Jason wandering aimlessly through the garden patio as Anne finishes up a pre-date "freak out call" with a friend. Jason finally finds her and they hug. As they dine, Anne talks about how her friend told her Jason was a "strapping young fellow." Jason wonders if that's a compliment. They share some laughs and snap peas.

Alissa and Joey are walking along--where else?--the Embarcadero, and she sits him down for a little talking to. She tells him while she loves the way he showers her with affection, she also needs some space. He tells her if they're going to have a partnership, it needs to be perfect, and he totally understands. Speaking of space, if you'd like to know more about Mr. Joey Strulowitz, here's his MySpace page. But warning! It plays an annoying Steve Winwood song. (Seriously Joey, Steve Winwood??) You can also see a photo of Joey and a chick who ain't Alissa. But more on that later.

"The Love Lab." The girls enter a room full of t-shirt-wearing mannequins and a table full of food. We think we went to that nightclub in the '90s. JD says they're going to do a "scientific study" of how smells affect chemistry. Apparently the smells of lavender, licorice, orange, pumpkin, donuts and chocolate all increase male sexual arousal--in Homer Simpson. JD says the smell of oranges has the highest effect on male arousal, and then picks up a slice and starts smelling it loudly. JD, just go back to hosting "Outback Jack," OK? Teresa says that women react the strongest to the combined smells of cucumber and candy-coated licorice. Wha? JD takes this opportunity to once again refer to his penis by saying most men are intimidated by cucumbers. Har har.

The topic turns to pheromones. JD spouts some stuff about how women bond to the pheromones of guys who are the most genetically "appropriate" for them. Teresa tells the women that two guys that each woman is dating were asked to sleep in a t-shirt two nights in a row. The women will have to smell each t-shirt and then say which they find the most attractive, based on smell. Ummm...ick? Alissa is first, and she can't resist caressing the shirts. She picks shirt number two. The coaches reveal shirt number one belongs to Alessandro, the didgeridoo imitator, which means shirt number two belongs to...Joey.

Anne is next. She sniffs away, and after being told not to hump the mannequins, picks shirt number one. Shirt number two belongs to Jason, the guy she just had the date with at Park Chalet. Which means the shirt she DID pick belongs to...Dennis.

Up next is Kris. She presses her nose into the pits of both shirts, but can't come to a decision. The coaches think this is "so Kris." Finally, she stops sniffing. She says that she was immediately attracted to t-shirt number one, but that t-shirt number two pulled her in more, so she picks t-shirt two. T-shirt number one, which surprisingly did NOT smell like sour apple blow pops, belongs to Mike. Thus t-shirt number two belongs to...Josh.

Finally, it's Michelle's turn. She takes a long time, and keeps saying that the second shirt smells like clean laundry. The coaches insist it was worn for two nights by one of her guys. Michelle picks clean-smelling shirt number two. Shirt number one belongs to Darren. The odorless shirt number two belongs to...Sean. Ooo. Bad sign, Michelle! We once dated a guy who had no discernible body odor. It was really weird. One would think dating a guy who never had b.o. or bad breath would be a good thing, but he turned out to be a total louse. Perhaps this lack of body odor is a sign that a guy has no compatible pheromones at all? Hmmm.

"Rule no. 19: Breaking it Off: If there's no chemistry by date three, move on." Michelle and JD are having coffee on the waterfront, discussing her beaus. She's totally into Sean, but she thinks Darren's "inability to initiate conversation" is "slowing him down." Michelle says she WANTS to like Darren. JD suggests she really try and let Darren drive the conversation on this third date, and if conversation dies as a result, to let it. She wants to know how to "break-up" with him if things seem to be going that way. JD tells her to be honest and up-front, and that 90 seconds of awful is worth it if you end up feeling good about yourself and your honesty. Not sure if feeling "good about yourself" should really be the ultimate goal of how you choose to break up with someone, but whatever.

Alissa is at home with her friend Danielle, and they're cruising the online personals. Alissa shows her friend the profile of a guy named Grant, who lives in L.A. She talks about how she read his profile and was instantly intrigued. She says he totally got her right away. Her friend says she wants "to meet a GIRL like that!"

Now, a few words about this "Grant" guy. Thanks to a reader, we were led to this entry at a blog called "Essential Dating Tips." In it, Grant talks about how his appearance on the show is proof that his "Net2Bed System" really works. We aren't going to link to his infomercial page, but let's just say it reminded us of T.J. Mackey's "Seduce and Destroy" seminar in Magnolia. "Respect the c*ck!"

Speaking of c*cks, Michelle and Darren are at Coit Tower. They eat ice cream in the parking lot. Michelle sits Darren down and starts with the "friends" talk. She tells him she thinks she and him have become "great friends." He says, "That's not good." Ha! She ponders if it's just taking longer for them, and he tells her he's a big believer in momentum. We were really hoping he was going to pop out with the "dead shark" quote from Annie Hall, but instead he just mumbles that they fall into that "category." Michelle continues to talk about how great Darren is, and Darren agrees with her. After Michelle declares Darren her "ice cream buddy," he spares no time in making a fast getaway. The word "relieved" comes to mind. Michelle sits back down and finishes her ice cream while remarking in a voiceover that it was the easiest break-up she's ever had.

Alissa is meditating in a yoga studio. JD and Teresa interrupt her to discuss Grant. Alissa is totally excited about him, but JD reminds her that "relationships happen in person." He tells her when they do finally meet, that she should immediately give him a hug, and stick her nose in his pit so she can get a good dose of pheromones. Teresa tells her to memorize his profile, so she'll never be at a loss for conversation. They downward dog into commercial.

"Rule no. 72: The Mid-Dinner Kiss: P.D.A. means he's into you." Michelle and Sean are at Sushi Groove South, learning how to make sushi. They sit down to eat some sea urchin and Michelle remarks that it's still moving. She also says that she's not going to kiss Sean if he puts any of that in his mouth. He pauses for a moment, and then eats a big ol' piece of it. Red flag! Bad in two ways: first, he ate it, essentially saying "I don't care if you don't want to kiss me." Second, and more importantly, he totally missed the obvious comedic set-up and didn't toss the whole thing over his shoulder and go in for a kiss. What a loser.

He tells her since she wasn't going to kiss him after one piece, he assumes two pieces isn't going to matter, but before he can get it in his mouth, Michelle breaks her word and kisses him. He just ate sea urchin! Yuck! Before too long, they're headed into a cab. She doesn't have a coat or a purse with her and he doesn't have a coat either. They're so high on sea urchin, they left them in the restaurant.

Since we most likely aren't going to see how all this turns out, we think it's safe to give away the ending here. Michelle and Sean did not live happily ever after. A reader pointed us to the "Fans of Reality TV" forums where Michelle has chosen to write about what happened. In short, it involved a trip to Tahoe that ended in their breaking up, which totally freaked us out because we too have had the romantic weekend in Tahoe that ended with a break-up! Ladies! If a guy ever wants to "take you to Tahoe," just say no! Sean apparently has his own blog, and while he had written something about Michelle a few days ago, he's since taken it down. He has a few things to say about the show which might be interesting, if you can get past all the spelling and grammar mistakes.

Anne and Dennis are walking down the street, totally drunk. They go to Azul for some more drinks and drunken conversation. Anne tells Dennis he's really cute, and that "it's weird." He's weirdly cute! She pulls him closer and tells him he's a "slow mover," and that's good. He starts to tell her that the last girl he dated was a "total lunatic," and Anne rightfully tells him not to talk about that. Anne looks at his crotch and asks "what's going on down there?" Dennis says something about "tucking it in." OK. This is getting ugly. They kiss a little and decide to leave. In the cab Anne invites him to her apartment. As they enter her building she tells him her neighbors can hear everything, and they need to quiet down, at which point she trips on the stairs. They enter the apartment, and her door closes.

Kris and Josh are in front of his apartment. He's leaving on a business trip to Japan. She offers to pick him up at the airport when he comes back, all the time rubbing something off of his lip. He tells her he'll call her, and he gets into a cab. Kris goes back into his apartment to snoop through old love letters and drink his booze.

Alissa is on the beach waiting for Grant. They fake a slow motion run into each other's arms and hug. She bounces up and down and tells him he's cute. He grasps her face. It's all very vomit-inducing, given what we know about him. But does Alissa know? She's also joined the "Fans of Reality TV" forums in order to tell her story. In her first post she talks a lot about Joey and what a disappointment he turned out to be, and that his primary motivation seemed to be getting on TV. Towards the end of the post, she talks about a "better thing," her meeting Grant. As of this writing, she hasn't finished the story, but she makes it sound like Grant is the guy she "got." Seriously? This guy? We hope she comes back and explains herself!

It's writing-in-the-journal time! Anne is happy about the butterflies in her stomach. Alissa is happy about the talk she had with Joey, and even happier that Grant drove "all the way from L.A." just to be on TV meet her. Kris is happy that she and Josh are moving forward, and that her friends liked him. And Michelle is happy that Sean is "keeping up with her," and she had a great time on their sushi date. She can't wait to see him again. If only she knew.

Next time on "How to Get the Guy": Nothing!

Now, we can all agree this show kind of...sucked. But we also had a great time making fun of it, and we're really sad that we aren't being given the chance to see how it all turned out. Also, while it was bad, it was also kind of refreshingly different from the usual "reality dating show." More "Can't Get a Date" than "The Bachelor." There were no contests and cat fights, and as we've said before, while the women were annoying sometimes, at least they weren't the usual empty-headed 20-year-old blondes that tend to populate these shows. And they weren't half as bad as the "love coaches"! The show tried a little too hard for that "Laguna Beach" -look, but it was also fun seeing all those San Francisco locations. If we are able to see the last two episodes in some capacity, be it by download or illegally-obtained tape, we'll be sure to recap those eps, too. And in the meantime, we hope to hear more from the women and whether they did "get the guy." Or at least more about what a bunch of losers they all were.