How to Get the Guy: Third, Hammer Him With Questions

The women are meeting for lunch and a little catching up at The Waterfront, (we sure hope Kris doesn't argue with the waitress about desserts and microwaves again). Alissa raises a glass and toasts to "finding the most incredible, amazing, beautiful...men...that we are searching for!" The other women do their best not to roll their eyes. Alissa starts talking about online dating, and how she finds it exhausting because she's constantly looking at who's looked at her profile, and she finds it hard to not be nice and respond to everybody who tries to contact her. Michelle thinks online dating is great because it forces you to not invest everything in "the first Seabiscuit that runs along." We have absolutely no idea what that means. Anne says she has a hard time "diversifying" because every time she meets a guy she likes, she thinks, "OK, then let's just go!" Kris likes casting out a large net...a VERY large net. She says she's gone on a lot of first dates (yes, we know) but is finding it easier to trust her instincts and say no to a second. Here's a better idea, Kris. Why don't you trust those instincts in the first place, and stop going on so many loser first dates?

Kris asks the other women what they're doing for Valentine's Day. Anne says she thinks it will be better to go on a first date on Valentine's Day, as opposed to a third date (with Dennis!). Michelle has waaaaay to much work to do because she has a hearing the next day, so she's going to have to spend the whole day and night working (in other words, she didn't get a date).

"Rule no. 69: The First Kiss: A date without a kiss is an appointment." Yeah, we've heard that one before, and we're still not really buying it. Michelle is talking on the phone with her brother, Michel. She's telling him about her date with Shaun, or "Mr. Dreamy," as she calls him. She says that she could have been blindfolded during the whole date and she would have gone out with him again; it wasn't just about looks. She tells her brother that at the end of the date, Shaun moved in for a kiss, but she didn't go for it because she doesn't think you should be "sucking face on date one." I guess that fabulous date with Mr. Dreamy was, alas, just an appointment! Her brother says she better kiss him on the next date, or else. And let us interject here and say that we spotted Michelle just last week at the AMC on Van Ness going to a movie we are assuming was Superman Returns, and she was with a guy. We couldn't tell who he was, but he didn't look like that Shaun dude, unless he's grown a beard since the show filmed. We so wish we could have sat behind them and eavesdropped the entire evening, but we were in line for a later show. Curses!

The love coaches are with Kris in someone's stylish Victorian flat and they're getting ready to humiliate her by showing her video of some of her recent dating moments. They start with her date with "Sour Apple Blow Pops" Mike. Man, this was hard enough to take the first time, and they're making us watch it again? Teresa brings up something she calls "fear flirting." She says if you're not nervous about what the guy thinks of you, then he's not worth flirting with. Hey, how about thinking about what YOU think of HIM, first and foremost? How about that? JD says Kris needs to learn how to say no a lot quicker. They show her video from the "Signal Party" and she's talking to a guy named Chris. She tells them on a scale of one to 10, she was into the guy at about a level four. They tell her she talked to the guy for over an hour, and she wasn't even interested in him! They give her tips on making a getaway that include telling the guy you see a friend all alone in the corner, and you have to go talk to her, or telling him you have to go mingle. Why keep the lies so polite? You don't like the guy, you want to get away, why not just scream, "OMIGOD! A lion!!" and run into the other room? They move on to her date with Josh and she talks about how much she likes him. She realizes she needs to stop dating all those other losers and concentrate on Josh. We hope he's ready to be concentrated on!

Michelle goes on her second date with Shaun. They're bowling at the Yerba Buena Center. Shaun tells her he likes her top...and her jeans...and they make her butt look good. Smooooth. Michelle tells Shaun she heard he was reluctant to meet her because he thought she wasn't his type. She asks him what his "type" is. He says he likes them dumb and inferior at sports. She proceeds to roll two gutter balls. They leave the bowling alley and make plans for another date. Michelle totally goes in for a kiss but Shaun just sort of stands there, so Michelle kind of bobs her heard around his face awkwardly and then just hugs him. Oooooo. Burn! Another appointment!

"Love Coach Event no. 3: Truth on Tap: Getting inside the male mind." The women meet the love coaches at the Anchor Stream Brewing Company. They've been told to write down every question they've ever wanted to ask a guy because they've gathered a bunch of guys, single and married, who have promised to answer these questions truthfully and honestly. Sh-yeah! Right! But first, the coaches want an update from the women about their dates, and we already know all this crap, so let's skip it.

The women dig into their bowl of questions. Alissa asks, "Do all women turn into their mothers?" and the guys all answer, "Yes." Michelle asks, "What does it mean if you don't buy a gift for someone you're dating on Valentine's Day?" A guys answers quickly, "Nuthin. Absolutely nothing." Michelle says, "It doesn't mean you're cheap?" and he says, "Nope. It just means you don't have time." Awesome. He's a keeper! Anne asks, "Is a man threatened by a woman who is more sexually trained than he, say in tantra or other forms of orgasmic knowledge?" Oh, gee. Wonder who wrote that question! What's Alissa's next question going to be? "Do guys hate it when all a girl wants to do is give him blow jobs?" Needless to say, the guys say it isn't an issue. Alissa reads another question, "What can a girl do on a date to let you know she's interested?" One guy says "Intentional, inadvertent touches." Another guys says those first few touches are the best part of early dating.

Kris asks, "What's the deal with men and boobs?" Do they really think they're going to get an answer to that eternal question from this group of dudes? Please. Teresa asks if men worry about they're penis size. One guy admits to worrying. Michelle wonders if they're suppose to reassure guys, and JD says the only thing a woman should say is that she's never seen anything like it before. We don't want to be thinking about JD's penis, so let's move on.

JD asks, "What's the one thing women should know about men, but don't?" A guy with glasses says that men are very, very dense, and while women might think they are sending out the most obvious signals they know, it's always better to just come out and say, "This is what I want." Michelle asks if a first date should end with a kiss, and some guy says it should, if you feel the chemistry. Alissa asks "What's the first thing you notice about a woman, both in terms of looks and personality?" Mr. I-Don't-Have-Time-to-Get-My-Lady-a-Valentine's-Day-Present says, "I notice her butt." An older gentleman says, "Eyes, mouth, smile. And the front presentation." "Front presentation"?

JD says he's got the final question and it is this: how did the guys who are married know that they had met the woman for them? Dude-who-likes-butts-and-can't-be-bothered-to-get-a-Valentine's-Day-gift says it was when he met his wife's family and saw their interaction. He knew that's what he wanted, and that's what he's got, 18 years later. And she's got 18 years with nothing but a "Damn, your ass looks fine!" on Valentine's Day. Another guy says something about timing and chemistry and how it doesn't even matter if you're in the same region, and that doesn't make any sense, so let's just move on.

Now the guys ask the girls some questions. One wants to know what's the one thing a guy should not talk about on a first date, and Michelle says ex-girlfriends. Another guy wonders if it's OK to just approach women on the street, and amazingly all the women think that's a fine idea. We suppose in some situations that could be OK but on the streets of San Francisco, if a random guy starts to talk to you? Odds are he's batshit crazy. At least that's been our experience.

"Rule no. 44: Romantic Holidays: It's just another day, don't stress out." Anne is exercising on an elliptical machine, and JD rudely interrupts her and ellipticals with her. We admire her ability to hold a conversation while using one of those, because we can barely call out for the paramedics we routinely need after about two minutes on one. Anne tells JD she's going out with Sensitive Ponytale Guy Jimmy on Valentine's Day because she feels it would be too much pressure to go on a third date with Dennis on that day. She also admits she kind of hates Valentine's Day. JD agrees that the day can be full of "pressure," whether you're with someone or not. JD thinks the real question is, what is Dennis going to say to her on Valentine's Day? Anne thinks nothing, and doesn't expect him to. JD thinks he should at least call, or send her flowers. We shall see...

Kris is sitting in a park with her friend Carrie, and they're discussing whether she's going to go out on Valentine's Day with Josh. Kris says she hopes so, but they haven't talked about it yet. Carrie says she hasn't heard one "red flag" from Kris about Josh. Kris continues to gush about Josh. We doze off a little.

Michelle is doing some charity work and talking to a friend about Valentine's Day. You know what? We're tired of typing "Valentine's Day," so we're just going to call it "VD" from now on. Who knows, it might spice this episode up a bit, too. She tells her friend she has to work. She pretends like she didn't even know VD was coming up. She says she can't remember the last time she was with a guy on her birthday, New Year's, or VD.

Anne is on the phone with Dennis. He asks her out for a date on Friday night, and does NOT mention VD at all.

Kris goes to the Chinese New Year's parade with Josh, and afterwards, at the Bambuddha Lounge, Josh officially asks her out for VD. He's going to take her to the Bubble Lounge, and has reserved a private corner table. Kris calls him a sweatheart. They make-out and then go their separate ways into the Tenderloin.

VD. Anne and Jimmy are going ice skating at Yerba Buena. He's not rocking the ponytale this time, praises be. Anne is embarrassed to admit she needs size 10 skates. Well, you know what they say. Big feet...big...socks? Jimmy wears size 10 1/2. No comment. She plays the helpless card and has Jimmy lace up her skates. She confesses she's never skated before, and makes some "Ooo! Oh!" noises as she takes to the ice, and admits she's just turned into her mother. She's cracking up and having Jimmy pull her along, until she eventually falls flat on her ass.

Michelle is home, alone, wearing her glasses and looking all smart and stuff. VD? She can't even be bothered with that nonsense. Even if Shaun DID ask her out, she wouldn't have been able to go out on VD because she has so much work to do, so it's really best that Shaun didn't ask her out because she couldn't have gone anyway, so IT'S TOTALLY OK THAT SHAUN DIDN'T ASK HER OUT, OK?

Anne and Jimmy leave the skating rink. He says, "Let's do this again...sometime." Kind of vague there ain't ya, Jimmy? Anne doesn't seem to notice, as she quickly lays a smooch on him. He says "thank you," she says "thank you." And....scene.

Alissa meets the coaches at what looks to be Bissap Baobab. They're calling Alissa's VD date with Joey more than just a date. It's also a test. Seems Alissa thought Joey came on a little too strong with the kiss at the end of the first date. She discusses that date with the coaches and tells them they went to Millennium for dinner. Wait a minute! We clearly saw her at Absinthe at the beginning of that date. When did they go to Millennium? Lies. Lies! Once again, Alissa talks about how funny she thinks Joey is. But when it came to the end of the date, as she was giving him all her thank yous--something she, apparently, loves to do--he basically shut her up by tongue kissing her. Ahhh. It's all beginning to make sense now. JD tries to rationalize it by saying Joey was trying to "be manly" and "take the initiative." Whoa there. You're treading some dangerous ground, buddy. He insists that she give Joey the benefit of the doubt. Teresa says if it happens again, and she's uncomfortable about it, that Alissa should say something. Alissa agrees and tells them she's excited about this second date. JD says he wants it to be tomorrow already so he can hear about the kiss. And no doubt rationalize Joey's putting his hands down Alissa's pants. "He was just taking initiative! Being manly!"

"Rule no. 61: VD Gift: Thoughtfulness speaks louder than extravagance." Joey shows up with an extravagant bouquet of flowers. Or is that a "thoughtful" bouquet? He actually calls them a monstrosity, but Alissa insists they're gorgeous. They talk about their day. Alissa admits she's been smiling all day, excited about the evening. Joey tells her that Valentine's Day is the most important holiday in his family, above Thanksgiving and "yom kipper." He reveals he's wearing the "I Have Candy" shirt he spoke about on their first date. Alissa says something but our TiVo went all wonky, so we don't know what it was, but Alissa then says "Does that threaten you?" and Joey says it doesn't, and that she should "go and have a good time." Did she tell him she was going on a date with someone else? Oh, who knows. Who cares?

Kris is with Josh and they're looking through the menu at the Bubble Lounge. She tells him she wants foie gras and a kiss. Is that really on the menu? She tells him about the question-and-answer session they had at Anchor Steam, and he wants to hear some of the questions. She decides to go for the jugular and asks him when he'll know that he's found "the one." Instead of saying, "Baby, I'm lookin' right at her!" he says something about how it's when you have no doubt it your mind, and you just have to run forward, and you have to be fearless, and yadda yadda. Basically, he skirts the question.

Alissa and Joey are done with dinner and as they're leaving their table, she kisses him. I guess she pre-emptively avoided his forcing a kiss on her by kissing him first.

Kris and Josh go to either his or her apartment. It's at 530 Street or Avenue. Good luck with the stalking! She thanks him for the date and then tells him she can't believe he's leaving this week, again! He tells her he'll be excited to see her when he comes back. He's totally got a girl in every port, we can tell. They awkwardly stare at each other, and then kiss. It's these moments that make us cringe the most during reality dating shows. Those awkward pauses are hard enough to take when you're part of them, imagine having to share them with the thousands--or at least hundreds--of people who watch the show!

It's the next morning, and the women are going over the previous evening in their journals, and they are totally not fooling us with this because they are using the same shot of Michelle writing in her journal that they used in the first episode--unless Michelle always wears the same turquoise shirt and pink floral scarf on her head whenever she writes in her diary. Michelle says VD is like any other day. Any other sad, lonely day. Alissa says the second date with Joey was better than the first, and she likes that he went all out with VD. Anne realizes it's OK to date more than one guy at a time, and she had a great VD. And for the first time in her life, Kris spent VD with someone she thinks might really be "the one" and sometimes, there's just "too much writing on the wall to ignore." Guess she's finally seen some of the hundreds of "For a good time call Kris" messages that are scrawled on men's rooms walls throughout the City.

Next week on "How to Get the Guy": Smelling dirty t-shirts!