How to Get the Guy: Second, Blindfold Him

Michelle is sitting alone at an outdoor cafe, laughing and talking to herself. The love coaches complain that Michelle has high standards when it comes to picking a guy, and she picks them like she'd pick a car: with a checklist. (He must have leather interior, air conditioning, and automatic transmission--she can't drive a stick. Ba-dum-dum! Tip your waitresses! We'll be here all week!) We now find out that Michelle isn't sitting there crazily talking to herself, but is actually talking to her mother on a cell phone through an earpiece. She's telling her mother she wants a multidimensional guy; one who likes the outdoors AND has a good career. Whoa there Michelle, whaddya want, THE MOON? Her mother tells her to take her time, and not have too high expectations. The love coaches say if she doesn't ditch the checklist, she may "miss the unexpected."

Alissa is massaging a guy who's facedown on her table. She's babbling nonstop about a book her roommate had that describes the three stages of guy-dom: knight, prince, and king. Knights are running around doing their thing. Princes are building their kingdoms. And kings are all about teaching and knowing themselves. The guy on the table tells her the perfect thing for her would be to find a late-stage prince, early-stage king. A guy in his Purple Rain phase, perhaps? Alissa agrees enthusiastically. The love coaches say that if Alissa wants to find a king, she's going to need to "get out of her own kingdom."

Kris is sitting on the beach by Crissy Field, talking to a friend. She's telling her that she likes going out with a lot of different guys, "sampling" as it were. She also enjoys the large variety of STDs that offers her. She explains that even the love coaches were saying it's all a numbers game, but the coaches explain in voiceover that she needs to start looking for more than just a fun night out. She needs to look for something serious. And some penicillin.

The love coaches meet Anne at The Grove on Chestnut street. They want to hear all about her date with Dennis. She says it was "fun." JD wants to hear more. More! She says he made her feel very comfortable, was a complete gentleman, and made her laugh all night. JD says he doesn't know a lot about Dennis, but what he does know, he likes. Hey, back off JD! We thought you were "married." Anne goes on to say that towards the end of the date, she was sad that it was ending, and they almost decided to continue the evening and go someplace else, but didn't. Teresa thinks that was fabulous, and that Anne therefore left him wanting more. But the coaches really want to know if they kissed. Anne tells them they did, and yes, she did use the magical trick of adjusting his collar beforehand. And she also licked a napkin and rubbed a smudge off his cheek and told him to put on a sweater before leaving the house because it's cold outside and does he want to die of pneumonia? Anne is pretty sure he said he'd call her. The coaches are sure he will. They tell her the thing to do while waiting for him to call is first, don't call him. (Oh brother. Are they bringing out that old chestnut? On Chestnut street, of all places?) And second, go on a date with someone else. JD tells her that he thinks Dennis is a "straightforward guy" and he's not going to play games with her. So what does he tell Anne to do but PLAY GAMES, by not calling him and going out with someone else. Nice.

"Lesson no. 420: Online Dating: A fast and easy way to volume date." Once again, JD tell us that dating is a numbers game. Yes, we get it. Teresa says it's all about variety, and the Internet is a one-stop-shop. Michelle--who is wearing the orange striped top we told her to never, ever wear again!--is with a friend named Jodi, and they meet the love coaches at a cafe equipped with Internet access. JD says that people who are online dating are much more serious about dating than people you casually meet at a bar. (Obviously, he hasn't dated online very much.) He also says it's much easier to be judgmental online, and Teresa jokes that they need to keep Michelle away from the "control" key. Michelle admits she likes that key. Right now, we're wishing we could hit the "escape" key, if you know what we mean, and we think you do!

Teresa tells Michelle that while they'd like her to be on many sites, they've chosen Engage.com because it's a totally great site that allows friends and family to be your matchmakers. Oh, and also, they paid to be featured on the show. Teresa explains that when creating a profile, the headline should "spark interest." Quotes from movies or TV shows are good. Michelle tells Teresa that The Godfather is her favorite movie, and Teresa proceeds to mangle the "leave the gun, take the cannoli" line. Oh no. Is Michelle seriously going to use that as her headline? How original. That'll really narrow the choices. Hardly any guys out there like The Godfather! If she's lucky, maybe she'll get some Sarah Vowell fans as well. They give her some tips on choosing a photo. It should be in focus, and she should be smiling and alone, (oh, isn't she always?). They then leave and let her loose on Engage.

The coaches explain that a good profile is key when it comes to online dating, but so is having an exit strategy. Also, be sure you meet in a populated place. If the guy suggests you meet him in his basement, where he keeps his lotion in a basket, it's probably best to decline the invitation. The coaches have the girls go on a bunch of Internet dates because it's "a great way to get in the game." But they also don't want them to "count on winning every time [they] play." Jeeze. Could we lose the whole "get in the game" thing already?

This part is ridiculous because most of the guys we see the women on dates with are so obviously not guys any of these girls would have picked themselves. Kris is with a heavy, middle-aged guy who looks like he hasn't seen a shower in at least a month. When Kris tells him she's an attorney, he tells her that, in his opinion, attorneys are a joke. Alissa tells the guy she's with, a not too unattractive, thin blonde guy, that he doesn't look anything like his online pictures, and he looked different in all of them. He tells her that doesn't surprise him since he's studied chameleons, and proceeds to use his chopsticks as drumsticks. Michelle's date slurps his Irish coffee and it leaves him with a milk mustache. Anne's with a paunchy dude in a bright red jacket and he's telling her that his age-range for chicks is from 18 to 29. But he'd run an exception for her, fo sho. Michelle is with a different guy drinking an Irish coffee, and she tells him that she's developed a thick skin from getting rejected so much. She asks him if that's just her, or if he's had the same experience. He tells her it's just her. Kris is telling a bearded guy who seems more interested in his beer than her about some of her interests. They include photography, cooking, food, wine, and scotch. The guy perks up when he hears the word "scotch." Alissa's date has moved from his make-shift drumsticks to an actual harmonica, which he begins to play.

The coaches, once again trying to cover their asses when it seems that their brilliant idea has turned into a total dud, say that Internet dating will inevitably lead to some bad dates, but that sometimes you'll meet someone completely normal, which it seems Michelle has. She's talking to a guy in wine sales, and he proceeds to give her some pointers on wine tasting. The coaches give her huge points because there's nothing better on a date than making a guy feel like an expert. Because guys love dummies.

Anne is meeting a date at the restaurant at the Pelican Inn in Muir Beach. That's a bit of a trek for a blind date, ain't it? His name is Jimmy, and he has a ponytail. He's Sensitive Ponytail Guy. Anne and Jimmy talk about dating, and Anne says that she spends a lot of time protecting herself from getting hurt, "Kind of like wearing an emotional condom?," quips Jimmy. They then discuss lip gloss, and before we know it, they are walking on the beach with his dog. Ahh, the old bringing-out-the-dog trick, thus proving to the girl that you have a sensitive side, and love animals! Works every time, as it obviously has here because before too long, Jimmy and Anne are kissing (Anne! You slut!) and making plans for another date.

"Love Coach Event no. 2: Dating Blind: Beauty is only skin deep." The four girls meet the love coaches at a place we don't recognize because it's obviously too posh for the likes of us. The coaches tell the women that they are going to have a three course meal tonight, and they're going to eat each of those courses blindfolded. Alone? Will they be doing it alone? Because it would be so awesome to see them sitting alone at their tables, eating while blindfolded. Alas, they will be paired up with guys who will also be blindfolded. The first two courses will be with two different guys, and they'll have to choose which one they want to see unveiled and share dessert with. This will prevent them from being distracted by unimportant things like clothes and hair, and focus on more important things like conversation...and body odor. Kris, of course, asks if any touching is allowed. The coaches say that's up to them.

The women don their blindfolds and proceed. First for Anne is Dan, 26, in real estate. He sits down and doesn't say anything, so Anne has to ask if there's someone there. Is this fun yet? Kris is with Paul, 28, an ad executive. He tells her she smells delightful. Michelle sits with Joseph, 33, a restauranteur. He tells her this is better than having to make that initial eye contact, and in fact, you don't have to worry about eye contact at all. Alissa's first date is Joey, 33, a benefits consultant. He's got a shaved head and a Jersey accent. He starts to describe himself to Alissa as five-foot-two, 300 pounds. A little later they wrap arms and share a drink, and after commenting on his agility, Alissa asks if he does yoga. "What, are you kidding me?," he says, and upon hearing the judgmental "What?" from Alissa, backtracks and says, "Of course! Doesn't every self-respecting Jersey boy do yoga?" We have to admit, at this point we kind of like Joey. Run, Joey! You're too good for her!

The first round is over, and the women discuss the experience thus far with the love coaches. The second round begins, and the women once again put on their pink, bra-like blindfolds. Michael, 35, a writer/artists, sits at Alissa's table, and when Alissa says, "Are you there?" he says nothing. So she has to say "Hello?" again before he finally responds. And that's just the beginning of his creepiness. She has to keep reminding him that she is, indeed, blindfolded too, and then he remarks that the whole thing is stupid. When Alissa says she's thinks it's kind of cool, he agrees. We think he was totally high or drunk during this whole thing. Anne sits with Rob, 27, a teacher. He asks her how old she is, and when she says "31," he says, "Thirty-one? Well, you know...that's not young, really." Chance, 27, a mortgage broker, sits with Michelle, and from the looks of it, he wouldn't be too out of place on an episode of "Average Joe." We know if Michelle were to see him at a bar, she'd quickly look away, which is kind of sad because he's actually kind of funny, especially when while exploring the table with his hands, he burns himself with the candle. Kris sits with Mike, 33, a digital effects guy. She rambles on about how this blindfolded thing requires them to focus on instinct and "mental processes." Huh?

The second course ends, and the women have to make their choices. Kris chooses Paul, guy number one, and says it doesn't matter if he looks like George Kastanza. Alissa chooses Joey, guy number one, and hopes he's cute. Michelle "takes a chance on Chance," guy number two. Oh, we have a bad feeling about this. Anne chooses Dan, guy number one. The guys take their seats, and the unveiling begins. When Michelle sees Chance, you can totally see the disappointment on her face. "Oh.....hi," is all she can say. Joey and Alissa remove their blindfolds and immediately start making out. Well, practically. They're obviously delighted with each other, as are most of the other women with their choices. Michelle and Chance? Not so much. We think the disappointment might have gone both ways with them, because he suddenly has nothing to say to her. After the guys leave, the gals discuss the experiment, and they babble about being able to feel with their hearts throughout the whole evening. Barf.

Dennis calls and makes a second date with Anne. They walk along the ruins of the Sutro Baths. We hope Dennis pulls a Harold and Maude and chases Anne until she falls through a hole into the ocean, because we need more excitement than we're getting hearing them talk about their families. Yawn! They continue with their boring repartee, and eventually the date ends, but this time without a kiss. Anne is unworried, though, because now she's got two guys to not call!

Michelle is at home talking to her friend Michelle. Yes, Michelle, who has a brother named Michel, is talking to her friend named Michelle. This friend wants to set her up on a blind date with a guy she thinks would be perfect for her. God, we hope he's named Michael!

Kris is going on a date with Josh, someone she once dated but "let slip away" because he was just too serious. They dine at the Waterfront. We spend about 20 minutes watching them try and convince their waitress to put some kind of chocolate dessert in the microwave, and we have no idea what the point of that was. Was that the most interesting bit of conversation the editors could cull from their evening? Kris and Josh leave the restaurant holding hands and playfully kick each other while walking along the piers. How very junior high! Next he'll be putting gum in her hair and she'll be punching him in the arm saying, "Shut up! I totally don't like you! Stop saying that!"

"Lesson no. 25: The Art of the Dinner: Cooking up a successful date." Alissa sits with the love coaches at Absinthe, where she will be meeting Jersey Joey for dinner. The coaches' brilliant dinner date tips to her are, 1. Don't forget to eat. Guys hate it when their dates don't eat. Also, don't forget to breathe. Guys hate it when their dates up and die during a date. 2. Share your food. And if you can, feed it to them while pretending the fork is an airplane, and it's coming in for a landing into their mouths. 3. Laugh a lot. At HIS jokes. Even if they're nothing but a bunch of bad "yo mama" jokes.

We see Alissa on her date with Joey, and before she can say a word, he tells her she looks gorgeous. He's a smooth one. As they're about to chow down, she tells him that she likes to say a prayer before she eats, and then goes on and on and ON about why she does it. He says a brief, "Praise God," and digs in. She feeds him some of her food. He tells her about a t-shirt he has that says "I Have Candy;" he says the kids love it, and Alissa laughs and laughs. He gives her a present. It's a little black book, and he's written his name in it under "J," along with an invitation to be his Valentine, which she accepts. He's already scored a second date with her! Joey's a smooth one, all right. They leave the restaurant and before she can even thank him for dinner, he's got his tongue down her throat, and then, just like that, *poof!*, he's gone. He's the Keyser Soze of first dates.

Oh god, are we done yet? ARE WE DONE? No. We still have to go on a blind date with Michelle. Damn it! "Rule no. 82: Be Patient: Good things come to those who wait." Touche. You know what, though? These rules are really beginning to piss us off. Which is it? Get in the game and date date date? Or be patient? And what does that have to do with Michelle going on a date with someone her friends have set her up on? Obviously nothing, because now the coaches are babbling about Michelle and her high expectations again.

Michelle meets Sean at Scott Howard. Sean admits that he Googled Michelle and saw a photo of her that her friends insisted was a very bad picture. She says she's going to have to look into getting that picture taken down. The rest of the date is kind of painful as Michelle attempts the witty repartee, to horrible effect. They discuss metrosexuality. How 2004 of them. She deems the date a success. He asks her out on another date. She accepts.

Sweeping views of the pacific ocean and the sounds of Fleetwood Mac mean the show is finally, FINALLY, coming to a close. Once again we see the women writing in their journals, and we hear them talk about what they've learned so far. And it's not in any way scripted. It's all totally in their own words. Totally.

Next on "How to Get the Guy": Valentine's Day and inquisition-style questions!