How to Get the Guy: First, Stand Uncomfortably Close to One
What's worse than watching an episode of "How to Get the Guy"? Watching the same episode TWICE! But we did just that with the premiere episode of this reality dating show set in San Francisco, so we could bring you this recap. The second episode airs tonight at 10 p.m. on ABC.
Ahhh. Beautiful San Francisco! Apparently our "little city by the bay" is full of single woman who "just can't seem to find love on their own." Yay! These two love coaches are going to help every last one of them, right?
Nah, just these "lucky" four.
Meet Anne, "The Girl Next Door." She doesn't have a job, unless you count being a bridesmaid in seven different weddings a job. Her problem? She doesn't know how to send out "I'm available" signals to guys. But she does like sitting on ocean rocks and reading. Comfy!
Next is Kris, corporate litigator by day and fun-loving party girl by night. Most boring superhero character ever! Kris's problem? She's a slut. Uh, we mean she goes on "too many dates with the wrong guys." There she is, drinking red wine and screaming "Wooo!" Classic.
Michelle is a "no-nonsense" trial lawyer who knows "what, when, and how she likes it." Whoa. There's Michelle, writing in her journal! There's Michelle sitting on a bench in Washington Square park! There's Michelle sitting next to a window, typing on her laptop! And all the time...alone. Oh, Michelle. She needs to "open her heart to the unexpected." And never, ever wear that orange striped top again.
And Alissa, the requisite San Francisco hippie of the group. She's a "spiritual massage therapist" (does that mean she massages your spirit?) who's "completely in touch with the universe." We see her sitting in some kind of seance, wearing something suitably flowy, stating that this is the year she will find her life partner, and she looks like she's about to bust out laughing. Join the crowd, girl! Alissa needs to date outside of her comfort zone. In other words, she needs to try some guys who don't smell like patchouli, and actually hold down day jobs.
"Sooner or later, love is gonna getcha...."
And who's gonna help these poor, pathetic, single women find a guy--nay--THE guy? Well, that would be the "love coaches." First, we have JD. He's a "happily married relationship expert." Yeah, and? He's published what? He got his training where? "More importantly, he's a guy!"
Fabulous.
Next is Teresa, "a relationship columnist who's found love." More importantly, she's a guy!
Let's get this party started! "How to Get the Guy"! Chapter One! "Get in the game!" We see the love coaches walking along the shore on Treasure Island, and they start to tell us everything we've just been told about the four women. Blah blah blah, redundancy. They need to find these women some men, and where's the perfect place for that? Monster Park, of course! We can hear the crowd! Just special effects though, because save for four women shivering in the middle of the field, that stadium is empty--JUST LIKE THEIR HEARTS! Out bounce the love coaches, telling the girls they need to get in the game! And they're their coaches! And they're all in a stadium! Get it?!
The women start to talk about why it's so hard to meet guys in San Francisco. Michelle says guys always start out by saying they don't want to get into anything serious. Anne talks about how guys are all focused on their careers. And Alissa starts babbling about something that makes no sense until JD says something about there being more single women in the City than there are single guys, and Alissa tells him that's what she meant. Ah, but AU CONTRAIRE! Tisn't true! And they've got the statistics and scoreboard to prove it! According to them, there are over 375,000 single men in the City. In the average city, 8% would be gay, but this being San Francisco, they jack that up to 16%. That leaves 151,787 single, straight, available men in the City. (And Kris has dated 75,134 of them. ZING!) Apparently, you could fill every seat in Monster Park with those guys--TWICE! See ladies! It's a numbers game! Date date date! And if that fails, just go to Monster Park on Straight, Single, Available Guy Night. First 1,000 guests get a free guy and a foam finger!
There are some more painful sports analogies, and then JD pulls out the white pages and tells the girls the men of their dreams can be found inside. (What if he's got an unlisted number?) Then he makes them take a pledge to love, and then we finally go to commercial.
The love coaches are setting their sites on Anne first. They meet her at what looks to be Scala's Bistro in the Sir Francis Drake Hotel, and continue with the pained sports analogies by telling her she's like a number one draft pick, and the best team. Mixed metaphor alert! Anne says she always picks the wrong guy, and she tends to send out nervous signals. JD says that would turn him off. Whatever, JD. They want her to "drop hankies" in the form of eye-contact (four painful, stalker-worthy seconds of it) smiling and showing teeth, (unless you're trying to pick up a dog, in which case, that's a sign of aggression--avoid it) and getting into a guy's personal space (within four feet of him--is that really personal space? Does she really want to date a guy who considers four feet "personal space"?). The coaches take her to Cody's Books on Stockton and set her loose.
And oh, but it's a painful thing to witness. Anne reads a magazine while slyly edging closer to a curly-haired dude with glasses. He promptly walks away from her. He walks by her again and she says hi. He says nothing. She tries someone else, asking a guy in a baseball cap the time. At least he replies. It's kind of amusing when she walks away from him, says to no one, "It's ten minutes to three," and one of the love coaches grabs her by the arm and pulls her into another aisle. They tell her to give it another shot, and just throw one of those metaphorical hankies into a guy's face. Don't the guys in the store notice the camera crew following her around? Might that lend another level of awkwardness to the whole situation? She strikes up a really boring conversation with a guy in a green turtleneck, and then walks away when she notices him starting to snore. She tells the coaches she doesn't want to stand next to people and make them talk to her. JD suggests going someplace that's a little less "whispery," thus negating the whole idea that a bookstore is a good place to pick up guys.
So they go to a sporting goods store instead. *Sigh* We can't even begin to tell you how awkward this is, as Anne starts asking random guys about backpacks. She asks one guy to try on a jacket because he's "about the same size as [her] brother." (We admire her attempt to get the guy to take off his shirt, though.) Finally the coaches tell her she's done for now. Apparently, the day wasn't about getting dates, it was about her perfecting her techniques. Unless she HAD gotten a date, in which case the day would have been about getting dates.
"Rule no. 21: Dating is a numbers game." The coaches are now throwing the girls into the world of "rapid dating," as they call it. Anne talks to a guy who doesn't believe in monogamy--he likes to swing, baby! Men! Women! Group sex! He also envies Anne her ovaries, because they're worth $5,000 on the Internet. Kris talks to a guy who's last girlfriend couldn't keep up with him sexually. Michelle talks to a guy who doesn't consider his job at a bar as high ranking as that of a bouncer. Also, he lives with his father. Alissa talks to a guy who doesn't even want to DEAL with vegetarians. And so it goes. We see a guy who has spiked out his long black hair in such a manner that any grandma who should run across him on the street would say, "He looks like he stuck his finger in a light socket!" A grey haired dude asks Alissa--the massage therapist--if she's ever had to give a "happy ending" to an old, fat guy lying on her table. Suprisingly, she says she hasn't. A really familiar looking guy tells Anne he thinks she's a closet freak, 'cause the "freak is in the meek." A totally scary, smiley guy tells Alissa he hangs out at the yacht club, and he has a driver named Pinkerton.
Wow. A whole day of speed dating, and all of the men were duds. Huh. Almost as if it were planned! The love coaches are 0-for-2 with their ideas so far. What's their next brilliant plan?
They tell the girls to go out on some dates.
Hu-what????
We thought the point of this show was to get these girls some dates! Now the coaches are having them get their own damn dates so they can witness what kinds of guys the girls usually go out with! Thanks for nothing "JD" and "Teresa," if those are your real names.
Alissa is out on a date with Alessandro, someone she met in yoga class. It looks like they're dining at Cafe Gratitude. The love coaches are complaining that he's the same kind of guy she always goes out with. Uh, didn't you just say that was the point of this exercise?? Alissa tells Alessandro she wants to be a yoga teacher. She then tells him she loves the didgeridoo, and he starts to imitate one. Despite this mastery of didgeridoo imitation, Alissa thinks they'd be better off as friends.
Kris agrees to go out with Mike, a fellow lawyer she's just not that into. They dine at Medjool. We present to you their mind-blowing date conversation, verbatim:
Mike: Do you like sour apple blow pops? Why don't they have like sour watermelon, or like sour, like something else? Why do they...how do they pick sour apple?
Kris: Because there are sour apples in the world.
Mike: No, but the point is, dude, they should have different sour...things....
Kris: ...
Mike: Yeah. Do you like Lemonheads?
Kris: I love Lemonheads.
Mike: You're so easy to talk to.
Kris decides Mike is not the guy for her, and then goes home and binges on some dime candy she picks up at the corner store.
Michelle goes out with Darren, someone her friends thought would be perfect for her. They go to a museum. The coaches say Darren didn't have much to say, and so Michelle had to do all the talking, but to us, it looked like Michelle couldn't shut her mouth, and Darren never got a chance to say anything. Of course, Michelle complains that Darren didn't talk enough, but thinks he's cute, and deems the date a success. We're pretty sure she was still talking as the show went to commercial.
Next on the agenda is a "Signal Party," where friends and family bring their single friends, and those single friends bring their friends and family who bring their single friends, and eventually, you end up dating your first cousin, once removed. The guests have to wear identifying buttons: green means you're available, red means you're taken. The party is held in the ultra posh Penthouse Suite in the Fairmont Hotel, and the cocktails are flowing. The coaches want Kris to tone-down her party girl ways, Michelle to be more open, and Alissa to not date anyone she practices yoga with. And Anne has to "toss more hankies." We see mingling, drinking and awkward small talk galore. Alissa demands that everyone she talks to be REAL. Michelle keeps saying "No" to everyone she meets. Kris tells the bartender she likes dirty martinis, and then talks about her breasts with someone else. Someone tells Anne he's an "ass model."
And so it goes.
Teresa sits with the girls and tells Kris she has intrinsic grace, dignity, and class--and it disappeared three drinks ago. Oh, SNAP! She tells Kris if she isn't prepared to drive a motor vehicle, she's not prepared to drive her love life. Oh, bravo! Teresa than coaches the girls on how to close the evening. It involves an, "It was so good to meet you," followed by a smile, and a firm handshake. And a blow job. (That last bit's optional.) The girls go back to the party and "woo!" and dance and pair up. Well, at least Anne and Kris do. Michelle and Alissa strike out.
"Rule no. 27: Dating is a process." The coaches tell us to "take a breath...and process it." Wow. Those guys are f**king brilliant. Michelle goes for a walk with her brother, Michel. We shit you not, Michelle has a brother named Michel. Hey Michelle, here's an idea. You want a relationship? Maybe you should stop taking romantic walks on the beach with your brother.
We guess this is the part of the show where we get to know the girls by seeing them with their friends, but it's just too boring and vapid to even bother covering. Basically they talk about the guys they're looking for, and how they hate dating.
"Lesson no. 16: The first date manifesto." This is where we learn how to turn a first date into a second! We see Anne on her first date with Dennis, the guy she met at the Signal Party. The coaches don't want her to drink more than two drinks, they don't want her to overshare, and they don't want her to talk about her exes. They DO want her to kiss the guy, as they believe "a first date without a kiss is an appointment." Anne does OK on her date, despite some oversharing and some awkward silences. Dennis drops her at her apartment, and we think they kissed. We had to shut our eyes because watching people kiss makes us want to PUKE.
As the show finally, mercifully ends, we see the four women "writing" in their "journals" and hear them recap their dating adventures. In short, they learned a lot about the dating world...and themselves. *snort*
It's hard to find someone to really root for here, but of all the girls, we guess Anne is the least offensive. At least some of her attempts to be funny worked, and she didn't seem quite so full of herself. The rest of the women? Not so much.
Next time on "How to Get the Guy": Dating while blindfolded!