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"I'll get ye drunk if ye pick me!" Photo of Ken from Bravo's Web site.
Howdy, folks -- the "top mixologists" at SFist feel that Bravo's Top Chef has given us so much in terms of culinary excellence, intrigue, and bitchiness (not necessarily in that order), that we thought it was time to give back.
Tonight at 10 p.m., Top Chef is due to have a reunion show, wherein all the chef/contestants are in one room, reminiscing about the show (the finale -- and thus winner of which -- has yet to air).
Without further ado, here's SFist's Top Chef "Quickfirewater" challenge--can you remain standing? Teetotalers, feel free to drink the equally punishing, yet non-alcoholic "Andrea Special", below.
RULES: Pick a Top Chef contestant. Whenever that contestant does something mentioned below, you must do as instructed. In addition, there are universal events, in which all participants must perform an action as listed below--these primarily involve potential actions by judges Tom and Gail as well as vacuous host Katie Lee Joel. WARNING: Only the truly brave should pick KEN as their contestant.
EVERYONE DRINKS IF:
Katie Lee : says something stupid (i.e., talks)
Chef Tom : says some derivation of the phrase: "the show is called top chef, not top [whatever]
Judge Gail -- mentions Food & Wine Magazine; copies exactly what Chef Tom said.
DRINK IF YOU'VE CHOSEN THIS CONTESTANT, AND THE FOLLOWING HAPPENS (note: flashback clips count!):
Ken: picks a fight. DANGER! DANGER!
Andrea: Mentions bowel movements; curative properties of vegetables (must get specific).
Stephen: mentions that he's better than everyone else; explains why; makes up statistics to support his superiority; uses slang.
Miguel: calls someone a snake; someone calls him "Chunk" (x2 for the full name "Chunk le Funk").
Lisa: Self-deprecates; mentions she's a working mom.
Brian: Mentions that he's "chef to the stars," or namedrops Eddie Murphy or other celeb; says "succulant" or makes num-num noises about his own food.
Tiffany: Mentions she's not there to make friends; that she doesn't care what kids think; that she's gay or bi.
Dave: Cries or calls someone a bitch; mentions "layering flavors".
Candice: Gets flustered; cries; mentions she's a model; disses Stephen.
Cynthia: If this pottymouth swears/gets beeped; if her glasses fall halfway down her nose.
Harold: Says some derivation of the phrase "I'm just here to cook" ; mentions he doesn't care what kids think.
Lee Anne: does her patented "blank expression with blinking"; explains how she's different from Tiffani.
Recipes
Make and consume at your own risk; feel free to use your own favorite beverage--in fact, post your booz-a-licious [or virgin-a-licious] recipes in the comments section if you care to :
Mountain Don't:
1 can concentrated pinapple juice.
Empty can of conentrate into pitcher.
Add:
two canfuls of sparkling water
one canful of vodka (cheaper the better!)
Andrea Special:
2 teaspoons psyillim powder (psyillim husk+mortar and pestle)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon molasses
8 oz. soy milk
Lemon juice to taste
Blend. "Enjoy."
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Obviously the perfect drink for this drinking game is the "Adios Motherf***er!":
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz rum
1/2 oz tequila
1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
2 oz sweet and sour mix
2 oz 7-Up® soda
Pour all ingredients except the 7-Up into a chilled glass filled with ice cubes. Top with 7-Up and stir gently.
I wish I had made one for when Stephen was kicked off.