Top Chef: Villainy, Thy Name is Stephen
So, anyone else out there watching Top Chef on Bravo? Allow us to introduce you to it -- it's like the Apprentice for foodies. Notably, it takes place right here, in our fair city. The cast of 12 are vying for $100,000 and a feature article in Food & Wine. And, while we appreciate our favorite TV guru Rain's pessimism, we've rather enjoyed it.
The third episode airs tonight. Each show contains two challenges -- one, a so-called "quickfire challenge," where contestants battle for immunity. The second challenge is a more-involved one wherein everyone but the winner of the previous challenge is subject to dismissal. The regular judges are Gail Simmons of Food & Wine, and Tom Colicchio, himself a top chef. Guest judges thus far have been Hubert Keller of Fleur de Lys and Elizabeth Falkner of Citizen Cake; Bravo's Website indicates that more San Francisco chefs are on the way. Katie Lee Joel is the host; you can click through to see her bona fides, but our distaste for her husband, Billy Joel (yes, that Billy Joel), is what most jumped out at us. (Sue us, we were forced to sit through that God-awful musical of his, "Movin' Out," last time we went to New York. Three hours we'll never get back.).
Episode one: we meet the 12 contestants, then the quickfire challenge: working "the line" in Chef Hubert Keller's kitchen (at Fleur de Lys, up on Sutter). Only three made it the whole 30 minutes. The most spectacular flame-out, angry Irishman Kenneth got the boot for sticking his finger into some of chef Keller's sauce to taste. Later, the elimination challenge was to cook a "signature dish" for judges and peers to try. This is where we saw what the aspirants were made of and how bitchy some of them can be.
We're looking at you, Stephen.
Stephen is that guy that we love to hate -- he's good looking (if in a sort of dandy way), very smart and well-spoken, a gosh-darned sommalier, and a very talented and creative chef. The problem: he knows all of the above all too well. He dismisses one competitor's dish as "cooking school 101." He's like that schmuck that's as good or better than you at everything, but is also a poor, poor winner. We'd call him the "Omarosa" of this show, but that'd be giving her far too much credit.
The top three: Stephen (booo!), whose dish includes "lamb seared to the fourth power." What a pretentious git! He serves it with wine. Tiffani, a lasagna in a pumpkin. The victorious dish is Harold's steamed thai bass. Loser: Kenneth got the boot on the merits of some sort of tower of fish meat + earning the ire of Chef Keller.
The theme of Episode 2 episode was dessert; appropriately, Elizabeth Falkner of Citizen Cake is the guest judge. Tiffani knows her -- they were both featured in some magazine article about gay folks in the kitchen!
Quickfire challenge: do something with a fruit plate. Winner? DAMMIT IT'S STEPHEN! GAHHHHHHHHHH! Stephen's entry was admittedly visually really cool -- fruit it in various modified forms (emulsions, purees, etc), arranged in a number of little espresso cups.
So, Stephen is immune from elimination. That night's challenge? Bring a dessert to fetish shop, Mr. S, for a party hosted by proprietor Mrs. S, who appears to the contestants in a nice little latex ensemble. Miguel is going nuts! They have to make sexy dessert for a sexy party! And they have to dress up sorta sexy too. For Stephen, this means losing his signature tie. Wow.
Some disasters ensue. Dave makes some sort of strawberry breast facsimile; Tiffani has a clever "eat the cookie off the other person necklace," that, however fun, taste awful. Stephen's "bubbling orgasm" looks awesome, again using his sommalier powers to incorporate wine. Andrea goes granola, literally; her nut clusters belong in a bowl with milk, not at a sexy, RuPaul-attended fetish party in San Francisco.
Top Three? Stephen (aggh!); Brian; and winner? MIGUEL, who showed his creativity, sense of humor, and competence with this recipe, subtly known as "The Total Orgasm."
Loser? Andrea, whose dishes in the first two episodes were respectively known for inspiring bowel movements and, according to RuPaul, needing butter. Swell dietician? Sure. Top chef? Nah.
Next episode is tonight on Bravo -- we can't wait! Tell us what you think!