Consider this a public service announcement; we're like the Consumer Product Safety Commission of coffee here at Trimethyldioxypurist HQ. We've practically been poisoned, and we want to spread the word. (Hey, better us than you, right?)

So, while for the most part we're very into doing coffee the "right way" (grind just before brewing, etc etc), there's a part of us that's super susceptible to gimmickry. We always want to try that new breakfast cereal ("But, sweetie, the marshmallows are shaped like PANTS"), or that new pizza where they bake your head right into the cheese-filled crust.

Thursday, we were at the less-than-supermarket in Noe Valley, and we saw this 4-pack of Wolfgang Puck's "Rich Espresso Latte" beverage, which comes in a SELF-HEATING CUP. Whoa. Awesome. At $4.50, it was a steal.

Cripes, Trimeth -- didn't you learn your lesson when you tried that Budweiser plus caffeine crap, way back when?

Sorry, inner voice -- evidently we did not.

Dude, when have you EVER enjoyed pre-made coffee products?

Not since college.

So . . WHY?"

Umm, duh -- SELF-HEATING CUP!

Okay, so what's good about this stuff? Three things. One, it tastes better than the aforementioned Budweiser "B-to-the-E", the taste of which we referred to something like "licking the floor of a frat house." This Wolfgang Puck stuff is more like Taster's Choice, heavy on the milk and toilet bowl cleaner. The second good thing about this stuff? Well, since Mrs. Trimeth is no longer big and pregnant, she can once again have all the caffeine she pleases -- thus we finally have our tasting partner again. Joy! She hated it too. Listening to her complain; that's half the fun right there. Finally, the self-heating mechanism is sort of fun to operate. No snark, we promise. Details and final results after the jump.

So, step 1 is to flip the can over; step 2 is to remove the pull-tab from the bottom.

Step 3? Push down real hard! Fun!

Well, the fun of product interaction comes to a screeching halt with step 4, wherein you flip the can over and . . . wait. Six to 8 minutes, until the color in that there oval turns from pink to white. WTF? We could have made a fresh cup in our moka pot by now. Novelty wearing off. Oh, but neato, it's kind of hot!

And, finally, take the plastic junk off the top, pull that pull-tab on the top, and "enjoy" (quotes intentional).

The big ol' can is really only 10 oz. of beverage; the heating mechanism takes up all that extra room and adds all that weight. So not only was this crap, there wasn't nearly enough caffeine for us. Our American gluttony absolutely requires 20-40 oz. of caffeinated beverages in the a.m.

I actually really dig celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and wish he'd take his name off of this shite.

Final result? Awful and chemical-ish going down, headache all day! Sweet!

Ain't technology grand?