Last week's winner, the Guardian: Gavin just wants to be able to park his cars downtown, guys! Congratulations, A.C. Thompson, for winning a Polk Award for your article about the deplorable conditions in SF public housing! Cover: This week in Steven Jones's ongoing Burning Man series -- Burning Man goes to Katrina. A review of 50 Cent's videogame, f/ the vocal talents of G-Unit, Dre, and Eminem. Get Rich Or Die Trying indeed. Someone yells at the Sonic Reducer to stop chewing her gum so loud at the Jeff Tweedy show. Email newsletter Books To Watch Out For, by the former publisher of the Feminist Bookstore News. We're signing up right now! And the newest restaurant at 22nd and Guerrero.

The East Bay Express: A profile of the very busy doctor trying to recall Schwarzenegger. Goth-metal scapegoating in the Scott Dyleski trial. Cover article: Couples who buy houses instead of getting married. Peaches Christ went to Penn State? Go Nittany Lions! Ayelet Waldman's entertaining solipsism continues. Our secret boyfriend Rob Harvilla goes to the 107.7 Bone Rock Girl competition. Going all James Frey on Motley Crue's The Dirt. And SFist Eve is at the helm of her personal Starship Enterprise! Beam us up, SFist Eve!

After the jump, the SF Weekly and the SJ Metro, and the Pick of the Week.

The SF Weekly: Cover: Moonies and African-American churches. A reviewer's Trannyshack memories include the power of centrifugal force on a string of freshly-used benwa beads being swung overhead. OMG, that's gross. A videogame where you play an anime attorney Phoenix Wright. You know, Phoenix Wright looks just a little bit kind of like Matt Gonzalez. (see picture at left.) We had no idea indie critic Michael Azerrad also played the drums. Local rapper Turf Talk appears on Judge Joe Brown, over a Land Rover that an escort he was working with had wrecked. And Dan Savage doesn't care if you use the phrase "that's so gay" not to identify something as homosexual but as a general insult. Also, start calling pearl necklaces "Cheney" instead.

And the Metro: Just where is the dividing line between Cupertino and San Jose? Gary Singh logs into the RSA computer security conference. This week's merciless mockery of the Merc News: the Merc gets sued for copyright infringement. There was a tennis tournament in San Jose last week? Cover: Cinequest! Featuring documentaries about gays and religion, funny movie titles (see, e.g., "Blood-Sucking Leeches and Flesh-Eating Maggots"), and a listing of films, including a documentary about the female orgasm, a small talkie about roommates in Oakland, and a satirical horror movie involving suburbanites killing people in their basement, among others. Hyphy hype, and one writer reveals that after she listens to her iPod too loud, her ears produce a weird brown substance. You know, that's no good.

Weekly of the Week: The next contestant on the Weekly Is Right issssssss...... the Metro! Come on down, 408! Though, can we just say, you should really get a doctor to look at that weird brown stuff coming out of your ears. And if you need to sue, you can be represented by Phoenix Wright! (Is there going to be a sequel to that game for former SF District 5 candidate Phoenix Streets?)