SFisting: Your 'Fisty Valentine
While the rest of us will most likely weeping into our Jell-O shots at the Mint while wailing "Fighter" into the Karaoke machine this weekend in preparation for another Valentine's Day spent lining the catbox with our exes' silk boxers, there's no reason you shouldn't be having more fun than we are.
For instance, this Friday you could meet legendary "Happy Hooker" Xaviera Hollander at the Center for Sex and Culture, where she'll be answering questions and telling us all about the happy hooking.
On Saturday we encourage you to ogle burlesque dancers and feel the pain of SF's finest sex writers as they tell dirty snarky stories about sex at Thomas Roche's My Sucky Valentine, a benefit for San Francisco Sex Information including Carol Queen, Thea Hillman, Daphne Gottlieb, SFist Violet Blue, Mistress Morgana, mi blue, and Simon Sheppard, as well as MC Roche.
There will also be sexy performances from Bombshell Betty and Lady Monster Burlesque -- who will be performing both a hard-edged modern dance set to her own track from the forthcoming Revolting Cocks album as well as more traditional burlesque.
But wait, that's not all you can do with your tawdry little heart this Valentine's season; read about this weekend's sex parties, the choicest local sex toys, date movies for twisted souls and the world's finest chocoatiers that are right in our own neighborhoods, after the jump.
Thumbnail image: My Sucky Valentine
But wait, you tell us, I'm just a chocolate-and-flowers kind of Valentine, not all snarky and bitter and dirty. We understand -- we've dated your kind before. But we do love our chocolate, whether we're licking it off a squirming body part or flinging it angrily at a fleeing ex; fortunately for all of us SF is home to some of the world's finest chocolate makers.
Book a tour at Scharffen Berger and see how the tasty aphrodisiac is made, then sample and see if it gets you both in the mood; or if you're in a rush click on over to their Valentine's Heart Box and exquisite gift sets, including this gorgeous baking collection gift box "for the sophisticated baker".
But a trip into a legendary chocolatier's store is a treat for the senses and foreplay all on its own for some of us, and a visit to Joseph Schmidt is no exception. A mix between chocolate museum of art (the real MOCHA), the store contains wanton displays of gorgeous chocolate mosaics and cognac gems set in jewel boxes, not to mention the lovely assembly of Valetine's gift choices.
Dinner and a movie instead? We hope you made reservations three weeks ago. If not, hit the Ferry Building for picnic items, enjoy the view, then make your way Satruday or Sunday to the Roxie for Cronenberg's "A History of Violence" (hot sex scenes) and "Gay Sex in the 70s" (aka "Hair"); hit the Castro Theater for the French heartwarmer "Far Side of the Moon" (Feb. 10-16; could their site load a little slower?). Us twisted little SFisters think the perfect foreplay is going to be Friday's indiefest feature "SRL Loves LA", a benefit whose proceeds go to SRL's upcoming epic move into a new warehouse space.
Oh sex toys -- you make every date with ourselves a "sure thing". But they also make hot Valentine's gifts, and nowhere has you more covered than local sex toy retailer Good Vibes; check out their gift guide, helpfully arranged by price. Peruse the pickin's at local Eros Guide and you'll come up with a plethora of toy and porn suggestions. And for the Neiman Marcus fetish set, there's always SOMA's high class fetish boutique, Madame S for a variety of kinky tricks and treats.
If you absolutely must leave the house for sex, which is something we avoid at all costs, do check in with the San Francisco sex events calendar at Eros Guide; the sex date event this Saturday is Club Kiss, a decidedly straight with girl-on-girl action encouraged, Mission District sex party in a relaxed atmoshere. But if you'd rather not go to a straight-up sex party with your date but want to have sexy fun and booty-shakin', check out the best mashup dance party in the nation Bootie SF, whose special Valentine guests this Saturday includes Seattle's DJ Freddy King of Pants and (we have it on good authority) a bunch of horny nerds. And you know your Ex-Boyfriends rock; that's why if you want a hot live music date, you should plan on landing at the Rickshaw stop Saturday night in time to see the superb power-trio tear down the house and totally make you want to hump the smoking remains.