SFisting: Trying Not to Make Jokes About Wrapping Your Box
Because many people celebrate some version of a gift-giving holiday this time of year, it seems like a responsibility of ours to cough up some kind of locally focused sexy shopping guide. No problem there. But we're feeling conflicted, and not just about what kind of ball gags to get Uncle Bobby and Aunt Whitney. It seems like this is a year when everyone and their autofellating office mate is churning out some kind of sex toy shopping guide, which all feel about as hot as warmed over press releases from the sex toy companies themselves.
Which is why the first item we recommend for stuffing your stocking is a pack (or twenty) of Anti-Masturbation Chewing Gum, from Therapy on 545 Valencia Street. This is where you should start, and hopefully where it should end, once and for all. But if you still can't get the demons out, no matter how hard you, uh, are, at least take a few tips from the local robot community and ease your friction issues. A vat of Boy Butter or a gallon-sized pump bottle of Eros Lube won't set you back too badly if you get it on the corner of Lube and Castro, also known as Phantom, located at 516 Castro St. (Look for the neon "Lube 4 Less" sign and role-play horny wisemen to your heart's delight. The neighborhood's seen it all, trust us.)
While you're already in the Castro, you might as well get that special guy those see-through camoflauge boxers he's always wanted for paintball games, along with a huge selection of alluring "lift and separate" styles of men's underthings to be found at InJeaNous (432 Castro). Then, a quick stop into the huge new digs at Does Your Mother Know (4141 18th) for every kind of naughty holiday card imaginable (note: the Menorah is *not* anal safe, kids). Find the tastiest selection of male nude desk calendars this side of having a real Falcon model splayed across your desk every day of the week at A Different Light. For curvy babes and decidedly NSFW planners with actual neekid girls in them, Tower Records (2280 Market) offers up a tasty selection of dirty calendars, enough to please even the snarkiest hotpants in your life. And Kid Robot (1512 Haight), one of our favorite places to have credit card accidents, has a nifty assortment of small and affordable filthy dirty, ever-busty figurines.
SFist Violet, contributing.
But for some of you, this stuff is just playtime, as would be any old gift guide shilling last year's vibrators. Click your sweaty mouse on over to local toymaker and retailer Vixen Creations for ultra-realistic dildos and high-fashion harnesses, outer-space inspired double dildos (that really work), and a whole new universe of hygenic butt toys to make your holiday in to an ass-tastic celebration full of "stuck in the chimney" jokes. We know how people like you think; that's why you'll also want to hit Wishbone (601 Irving St.) to check out their slick selection of glam, slim PVC collars with an alphabet of rhinestone letters to choose form, so you can spell out the "name" of your "pet" for all the world to see. Madame S has festive new digs at 385 8th Street, and enough bondage balloons to make your fetish holiday party the most talked about all year long.
Local pornographers have had a banner year for new releases, some just in time for too many days off in our quiet, grey city. "The Crash Pad" delivers hot lesbian trysting, SF-style. Remy Delaine sizzles as Raging Stallion's 2006 stud of the year (check out the iPod ready trailer for "Arabesque"). And if you want to see a hot couple in action, give the gift of a subscription to former Bay Area couple Halcyon and Tassy's Pinkgasm site; right now see a teaser for "Pink Santa Daddy & slave reindeer tassy" photoset for the RobOnts 12 Babes of Christmas.
Sometimes the pictures are too much for us. This is when we turn to the huge wealth of local porn writers and sex publishers for timely holiday book selections. San Francisco publisher Cleis Press rules the roost this year for hot erotic fiction with "The Merry XXX-Mas Book of Erotica" edited by local Alison Tyler; other picks from this quarter-century-old sex publisher include the wonderfully assembled "Lesbian Pulp Fiction" by Katherine V. Forrest; local author Patrick Califia's sexually intense "Boy in the Middle"; and this author can't help but give honorable mention to her own "Best Women's Erotica 2006" as a great pick to keep couples warm over the tepid SF holidays.
But, you tells us, I am cheap. I want to be original. I want to be somebody. We can only help so much. But if you're looking for that perfect item that says screams "pervert" and "originality" all at once, check out the variety of sites and software (like iPhoto/iDVD, FlipAlbum and Flipbook Printer) that can take sequential images or short .avi movie files and turn them into a flipbook. Portray yourself giving a jumbo candycane the holiday of its life, wiggling your tushy, spanking your butt, spanking your monkey... or any other naughty but nice message you'd like to pass on to that special someone. And for all you horny cheapos out there, of which we seem to date a lot of, there's always the adorably naughty and ever-sexy free vintage nude e-postcards at Retro Raunch, or the mild-but-kinda-spicy holiday ecard selection over at (local) MyPleasure.
Good luck stuffing all your boxes this holiday season. Ours are already full, thanks for asking.