We Read The Weeklies
We'll put it on the table right now: any New Times publication's chances of winning this week are greatly diminished due to that dreadful beet puree and goat cheese crap they were serving at their holiday party. It was the worst flavors of dirt, foot, and ass in food form, something so vile that it completely compromises our (heh) objectivity. You have been warned.
First up is last week's winner, the SF Weekly. OK, cover is Fernet, which might be giving the beet cheese a run for its yuckiness money. Matt Smith on the legal ramifications if Lance Armstrong used performance enhancing drugs. The Apologist's 9th Circuit quiz! We won't comment on Dog Bites because we saw the debauchery in action. We wish Chloe Veltman were meaner to Billy Crystal. You won't believe this: Brody went to Glen Park! Katy St. Clair goes to the Noc Noc. We spend 5 minutes looking for our horoscope, but it's nowhere to be found. Does this mean we're dead and don't know it yet?
Hoo, boy, the East Bay Express comes out swinging with a cover story on tenure. Bottom Feeder on jury duty identity theft. As long as you'll save Richmond/it don't matter if you're black or white! Imprisoned freshwater fish. SFist fave Russell Blackwood's Cabaret. We thoroughly enjoy Rob Harvilla's review of the Gwen Stefani show, but we don't like the looks of that Shooter Jennings. Our horoscope (not online) tells us not to procrastinate, which is funny because it's 6:26 and we're just getting around to writing this column.
Guardian gift guide issue, all pretty in pink! Poor Sandoval! We find something grosser than beetcheez: animal biodiesel. No thanks, we'll walk. It's the bedbug webring (can we make bedbug biodiesel?). Alt.sex on blow jobs and braces...we never worried about the two conflicting, does that mean we were doing it wrong? Cheap holiday ideas. Out of town guest tips. What should we wear to our holiday party? L.E. Leone is a better woman than we are, wearing accessories in the barn. Johnny Ray Houston interviews Ang Lee. Music top tens. Again we ask, what should we wear to our holiday party? Page 114 has a hott picture of Justin Theroux (not online) -- then again, has there ever been an unhott picture of Justin Theroux? Our horoscope had better be wrong.
And our winner? OK, we gripe about the cheesebeet disaster, but the Weekly party was also really fun, and the "dessert lounge" kicked ass. So forget the party for a moment, and let us think...OK, it's all about the East Bay Express. While we don't agree with the tenure story, it was provocative and persuasively written, Bottom Feeder was really good this week, and did we mention how much we liked the Gwen Stefani piece? Enough to forget the cheese n' beet, that's how much.