The Warriors: It's All in the Name

• Utah Jazz. This is just downright offensive. When the team was located in Naw'lens, LA, the name was the perfect encapsulation of the city it represented. We're pretty sure that real jazz is actually illegal in Utah. The name should either be permanently assigned to the New Orleans franchise or held in reserve for appropriate cities only, cities such as St. Louis or Memphis. Suggestions: the Utah Stormin' Mormons, the Great Salt Lakes, or the Wasatch Sasquatch.
• Memphis Grizzlies. We guess if by grizzly they're talking about unshaven, dip chewin', sleeveless flannel-shirt wearin', redneck truck drivers with multiple dead bodies buried in shallow graves around their double-wides, then OK, but bear-wise, ain't been no Grizzlies around Memphis for centuries man. Vancouver yes. Memphis no. Taking into account their dreary franchise record and seeing as how Memphis records an annual rainfall of 48.6 inches (compared to ~36 inches for Seattle), we suggest the Memphis Drizzlies. Or the Memphis Jazz, whatever.



• Los Angeles Lakers. Hatched in the mosquito-larvae infested waters of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes as the Minneapolis Lakers, this team nickname made perfect sense. But now, not so much. Other than the pristine wilderness of Lake Forest, CA, lakes are a bit hard to come by in SoCal. With all the fake tits, botox lips, blonde streaks, and vapid personalities swirling around LA (and that's just Dyan Cannon), the obvious new name here is the LA Fakers.



• Charlotte Bobcats. Oooh, so scary. Apparently the Charlotte Dogwoods was already taken. Because we don't want to mess too much with the long, proud history of the Bobcats franchise, we'll compromise on the Charlotte Joe-Bobs.
• Toronto Raptors. Unless we missed the unearthing of some huge cache of dinosaur fossils in the greater Toronto metropolitan area, this name seems like nothing more than transparent pandering to the spoiled rich-kid demographic the NBA has long coveted. Given their stellar performance this year, we offer up either the Toronto Ruptures or the Quebec Craptors.
• New Orleans Hornets. Other than the Africanized killer bees that swallowed up much of the Gulf Coast in 1978, we can see no relevance for this name. The recent hurricanes offer endless possibilities, including the Survivors, the Cat 5s, and the Levee Breaks. We'll also except the New Orleans Mardi Gras, the Voodoo, or the Jazz.
• Los Angeles Clippers. When the team moved from Buffalo to San Diego in 1977, the name was changed from Braves to Clippers in reference to San Diego's proud maritime history. But they sucked in San Diego and have continued to suck in LA. Until this team gets its own name, it'll always be the Lakers' little sister. In honor of the city's proud entertainment history, we suggest the LA Strippers.
• Golden State Warriors. Could this name be more any more generic? Does it say anything about Oakland or even California? Hardly. In the name of social activism, we nominate the Golden State Special Elections as a worthy replacement.
• Atlanta Hawks. Given their modest accomplishments as a franchise, the Chicks, the Squawks, or the Lottery would be much more appropriate.
• Indiana Pacers. Yeah, we get it. The name plays off the city's historical association with the Indy 500. That's not bad, but the name is. Are they the pace cars, the racing equivalent of a sparring partner? Not a very inspiring mascot. Neither is the image of vintage 1970s American automotive design. Do we hear the Indiana Racers anyone?
• Cleveland Cavaliers. Cavaliers, huh? Apparently the team founders had extraordinary vision into the attitude with which their future team would play for most of its franchise history. There can be only one logical choice here. Yup. The Steamers.
• Washington Wizards. They leave Redskins but change Bullets? Given the propensity for defense spending lately, Bullets was spot-on. Change it back.

While many team names need to be updated, others are perfect as is.

• Houston Rockets. Originally the San Diego Rockets in the late 1960s when the aerospace industry could still afford the rent in San Diego, the name is still appropriate in Houston because of NASA. And over the years, this name has given announcers plenty of opportunity to overuse the phrase "Houston, we have a problem."
• Chicago Bulls. Honors Chicago's stockyards history as hog butcher for the world. (OK, so maybe the team should be called the Chicago Boars, or with their paltry94.4
  ppg average, maybe the Bores.)
• Orlando Magic. This is right up in your face. Go to Disney World and Epcot Center and see your money disappear like magic.
• Phoenix Suns. Could there be a more appropriate name? Maybe the Phoenix Dry Heat, which would make sense if we renamed the Miami franchise the Humidity. We could also make decent arguments for the Arizona Sunburn or the Phoenix Urban Sprawl.
• Portland Trailblazers. Pretty good. Gives props to Lewis and Clark, and works well with the team's propensity for stoners.
• Dallas Mavericks. How cozy, the team name matches the owner's persona. We hear that's why Mark Cuban bought the team.

To help the NBA codify its team naming convention for future reference, we have broken down the issues like a Baron Davis crossover dribble:

1. If a team moves to another city, it must leave it's team nickname behind.

2. New teams must make a real effort to connect the team name to the city or region.

3. Team names should have both a sense of history and a sense of humor.