Extremes

Hey princess, here's a news flash for you: You're boring. So are your lame friends, your arcane bumper stickers, and your awful, incomprehensible, boring art. And let's not even embarass ourselves by discussing how you've wanted to take up fire-twirling ever since you got back from summer camp. The sooner you throw in your dreary, overcompensating towel, get a decent haircut, and a respectable office job, the sooner we can all stop being humiliated on your behalf. For example, look at Thomas -- why can't you be more like Thomas? The man gave up on trying to live an impractical bohemian lifestyle and moved from weirdo-freaky Haight Street to sensibly dour Los Angeles, and he couldn't be happier about it.

In fact, with the help of his friend and websmaster Carl, Thomas is online-novelizing his newly peaceful, conformist lifestyle. The book is titled The New and Improving Thomas, and despite being only available in lousy PDF, it's a riveting read: tales of delivering interoffice mail, polite small-talk, and the purchasing of lunches abound; activities that await you, you lucky thing, upon your inevitable abandonment of your current wacko lifestyle. Carl maintains quite a website for Thomas (so much so, in fact, that we dare to observe that Carl seems to be the one doing all the work) to evangelize noble conformity over futile individuality. Stop on by for conformist-quizzes, mini-manifestos, and such stirring slogans as "I Heart Society," "My Profile Recently Updated," "Narcotics Are Illegal, Unhealthy," "I Refuse To Dance," and "Irreverence Is Not A Virtue." Our envy of wise, lucky Thomas knows no bounds. He misses nothing about useless old San Francisco except, Carl told us, "he misses lap-dance venues where one can touch - Thomas likes to touch." Ah yes, human contact. But worry not, noble Thomas; surely such inefficiencies shall soon disappear from your memory altogether.

Now, if you'll excuse us, those TPS reports aren't going to staple themselves.