Real Questions the Essefficist has Received in the Past Week
We're not making this up. Any of it.
Dear Ms. Lonelyhearts, oops I mean Essefficist,
In the last week I have gone on two dates with a Canadian book artist whose DNA is 100% Frisian, i.e. parents from Friesland, which quite frankly I've never even heard of before. Apparently those Frieslanders are so fricking white Hitler did some kind of horrible research on them. Anyway, I'd hate to think that some last minute romance with a member of an obscure Germanic tribe would keep me from moving back to dear dirty Oakland. Please advise....
Miss Jean Brodie
Firstly, Miss Lonelyhearts, Canada, DNA, Friesland, Hitler, Oakland, and Jean Brodie. All clear?
Now, our advice: dump him. Come on home and make sure you've got unlimited long distance minutes on that little phone of yours. Or a man closer to home. No man is worth another month in Appleton. Even if he's Canadian. Or even an artist. And c'mon, you just bought a freaking house in Oakland. Stop hatin', fer cryin' out loud.
Next:
Dear Essefficist,
I go to one Giants game a year, and I like to heckle not ballplayers on the field--even ones as bitchy as Ryan Klesko--but rather fellow spectators in my section who are obviously, like from their clothes, bigger Giants fans than I. Then, faced with anything like a shutdown line, Iquietlywonder for the rest of the game whether I'm gay. So my question is this: What's my problem?
Signed,
That's actually my niece on the internet.
How are we supposed to work with this? All we can say is "Go Giants!" And get some counseling for that niece of yours.
In closing, as per usual, please remember that you can e-mail all your questions about San Francisco or your own exciting life to the Essefficist, thereby obtaining, if you're lucky, even more info on the everyday things going on around you all the time (or just post 'em in the comments). And remember, March still equals Irish Month around here, even though it's April now and officially Baseball Month. Well, actually, we lied. It's May now and officially Star Wars month. Maybe. We'll see how The Movie is.