In a meeting with the press in the locker room today, Barry Bonds announced that, instead of retiring, he's going to switch sports and suit up with the 49ers this fall. "Are you happy now," said an aggrieved Bonds. He asked the assembled photographers to show him seated next to Kimberly Bell. "Get her in the picture. Look what you've done to my mistress." When asked 'why football,' Barry was more pointed:

"Hell, in the NFL, there are punters using steroids. Punters! I'm an old man, with bad knees, and without 'roids, my professional career in baseball is pretty much over. But everyone in the NFL is a juicer, so I figured I'd be right at home. And lord knows the 'Niners need the help on defense."

Barry said that he plans to use the time he would have spent playing baseball this season in the weight room and at the lab with Victor Conte, who's cooking up a special batch of "the good stuff" to get Bonds' bulked up enough to play defensive lineman. "This new stuff we've developed at BALCO, which we're calling 'the conditioner,' will get Barry up to 280 pounds in no time flat. By studying his blood for his own, personal, nutrient profile, we've found that he's severely defficient in hormones, as well as magnesium." Many 'Niners fans were ecstatic when they heard the news. "He hasn't played a down, and already he's the best athlete on the team," said Peter Everhard at local sports bar Pilsener.

AP photo by Ben Margot.

[Ed. Note: Look, we don't get a lot of chances to libel people the way we'd like to, and since today is the only day where we get a free pass, we'd like to say, "April Fools, bitches!"]