Why, Our Morning's Been Just Splendid, Thank You

Since it is apparantly completely foreign to San Franciscans, we'd just like to clear up a point regarding proper social operation of this exotic device, the umbrella.

One disadvantage to umbrellas is that they have a tendancy to block sidewalk traffic, particularly the ginormous, beach-sized variations weilded by imperious executives. Truly, a treacherous and double-edged sword. But it is a little known fact that the umbrella only protects you from rain that is falling at the particular moment that you are holding it above your head; therefore, if it's not f**king raining, fold up your damn umbrella and stow it, jack**s. Unless the moisture on the ground is about to leap back into the sky for a surprise second assault, we're pretty sure your massive circus tent isn't accomplishing anything other than communicating to the world that you're the sort of spoiled cheese who drops $80 on an umbrella. Oh, and also, the next time we catch you putting your wet umbrella on a Muni seat, we're going to whittle our own umbrella handle down to a shiv and cut you.

So, use the damn thing for good, not evil, and we'll all get along just fine. Okay? Good.