A Good Lay
Be still our hearts, the latest issue of our favoritest newsletter ever is finally out: "San Francisco Faith: The Bay Area's Lay Catholic Newsletter." This issue's highlights include a balanced look at Baptism (an "experiment" that "might have some value"), a pr0n scandal at AT&T, and a poor defenseless lady who got in trouble at work, simply for refusing to do her job.
The trouble-at-work woman was Catholic, and her job was, in part, to provide sexual education to kids. According to a fund-raising advertisement in "Faith," when she declined to do so (we agree with her actions; sex should never be discussed until AFTER marriage), her coworkers bafflingly retaliated by calling her "Mother Mary Carcinoma Face, and other anti-Catholic" nicknames. We're not so sure that that zinger is "anti-Catholic" so much as just anti-that-one-particular-woman; we believe that it's possible to dislike the actions taken by an individual who just happens to be Catholic without actually being opposed to Catholicism. We mention the distinction -- the difference between "prejudice against Catholics in general" and "frowning at the actions of some people who happen to be Catholic" -- even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with this post.
After the jump: holy phone service, infallability, and carnal sins committed while flat on your back. (All of which happen to be categories we'd like to see on "Jeopardy.")
Our favorite feature isn't really a feature. It's the lavish backpage ad for Sienna Communications, "A Catholic Phone Company." They begin by pointing out two major drawbacks of doing business with the major telecoms: "Frustrating customer service and support for the culture of death." Sounds about right to us. Sienna reports that Verizon, SBC, and Sprint give money to Planned Parenthood, and support awesome GLBT employee groups. Who knew? All along, our long-distance calls were being powered by hot man-on-man action. Also, AT&T and MCI make "1 billion dollars in dial-a-porn revenue." We had no idea that you could "dial a porn" (the main thrust of the genre always struck us as being largely visual) -- it must be the handiwork of those damned horny GLBT operators.
Another highlight is an ad on page 7 which reveals that abortion fanatics "want to use force and coercion to kill as many babies as possible." That is absolutely true -- for every infanticide, feminists all, collectively, cheer. And get a merit badge. It's like a PBS telethon, with armies of dedicated voluteers working feverishly towards the demise of every infant on Earth.
Other good bits: announcement of the "We Are Family Lenten Workshop," which we find to be in dubious taste -- the nerve, appropriating the name of a campaign closely associated with homosex sponges. Also, a special mass to "affirm marriage" -- just, you know, in case you weren't sure if it had expired or something. And several Latin masses -- bring your own toga, we assume -- for those of you with no time for that whole "Vatican II" malarky.
There are also a few words about a radical splinter group calling itself "The Baptists." Father McDermott, priest of somewhere or other, notes that "while one may legitimately look and see if experiments" (it's aliiiiiiiive!) "adopted by the separated brethren might have some significance or value" (ha) "they don't have the gift of inerrancy or anything of that sort." Ah, inerrancy -- the doctrine that the Pope, and by extension, the church, is infallible and always right. It's so much easier to win arguments when everything you say is 100% guaranteed to be correct.
We're a little distressed by a quote from an anonymous priest identified repeatedly as "Father X," which sounds to us like an inappropriate stage name. He compounds this impression by referring to the need for communion in hospitals, assuring us that "it's possible to commit a mortal sin while flat on your back, too." Truer words: never spoken.
The best part of this month's "Faith" is a disgusted description of sex-ed materials: apparantly, they depict sodomy as "normal, acceptable, and commendable." Commendable? COMMENDABLE?! Jesus Freaking Christ. When will those crazy public schools stop issuing commendations to students for Exemplary Achievement in the Field of Sodomy?
We're not sure why we started receiving "Faith" in our mailbox two months ago, byt we'd like to thank whoever placed our name on the mailing list for introducing us to the wild and woolly world of lay people. Until next month, have faith and be a good lay!