Please Abandon Us As Well

Our theory is this: American Idol is like sex, in that it's freakin sweet when it's going on, but a few minutes after it ends you've forgotten most of it. We know, it's so clever. So that's our theory about sex. We mean, about American Idol.

The show's in San Francisco this week, which means the Patented Autohydraulic Seacresting Device does his stand-ups next to some slanty houses and the GG bridge. This is the guy responsible for that "Seacrest Out" thing that simply EVERYONE is saying these days, and we love him. He's so charismatic! Somebody ought to give him a television show.

Brandy's the guest-judge this week, but disappointingly, she doesn't have anything particularly fabulous to dish out. Why isn't Brandy's mom from "Moesha" (Ladybugs' Jackee Harry) the judge? Now there's a lady who can SING. Ooooooh, Lester. Oh wait a minute, she was on "Sister, Sister," never mind. Well let's just get Brandy outta the picture altogether.

Highlights of the evening, such as twin homoeroticism and Brandy's desperate wish to be abandoned, follow after the jump.

Highlight of the evening number one: the panel bitch-slaps a quivering pansy-boy, for the first time ever in the history of the show. He seems like a cool guy, though he's got the voice of a young black girl. Maybe they cut him because they thought he was a Sister In Diguise.

Highlight number two is wearing almost nothing; basically a few strategically placed finger towels, some random dark crap stuck to her face, and some black spider webs. The effect is not unlike an anatomically correct haunted house. Simon, the smug twit, takes one look and writes her off, but then she sings. Damn, girlfriend can sing. Simon's wearing a Very Uncomfortable Face; this girl may be impervious to his powers of Snide Remarkery. A debate ensues: the girl can sing, but her outfit is dreadful. What to do? Simon uses her boobs as tiebreakers and sweeps her into the next round.

Next up: a commercial for Coke. Coke's slogan is something like "Make it real," which we suppose is better than "come alive," and they illustrate this concept with a commercial about a boyfriend who fakes out his lady by accidentally pouring Coke on his face during a movie. She thinks he's crying and wipes the Coke-tear away; we're wondering why she doesn't ask why his tears are sticky and make her teeth rot.

Michael Garcia. He auditioned in seasons past - just like Jacob Morely! You can see the black-and-white ghost-footage of his past auditions howling at him: "don't make the same mistake we did!" Michael is sure he'll get it this time, because he's had a makeover. In his defense, he does look a lot better now; last time, he sported a moustache that looked like it was going to jump off his face and rob a liquor store. Unfortunately, he's traded it in for a fauxhawk. Is there no happy medium? Why has someone not slapped a definition of bad fashion into this poor kid?

Anyway, he sings, and singing's just not his thing. Paula doesn't want to hear Simon's opinion, so she announces, "I'm going to abandon Simon for now," and turns to Brandy. Brandy heads her off by saying, "please abandon me as well." Oh snap! Brandy wants to be dumped like a ton of elbowy bricks. Make it so. Ooooooh, Lester. What? Exactly!

Seriously, though, we love "please abandon me as well." Could be the new "stop hurting America."
Next. Some hipster, who we think is pulling our leg, sings some kind of hipster rap about ... er ... shooting cops, or something. We weren't listening because he was kind of cute, in a horrible way, even though the judges popped a cap in his ass. That rap music is just so violent.

Some girl named Nadia shows up and sings. She's from Miami and has big hair and is so good and talented we're bored. So is Simon, who barely acknowledges her as he advances her to the next round.

Next: a bratty Seattle-area kid named Victor Mercado. "America would hate you," Simon decides, and just to prove that he thinks everyone but him is a moron, he goads Victor into betting that he'll have a number one album within six months. "America would hate you" is totally the new "please abandon me as well." America's opinion notwithstanding, we don't hate him; we love the hissy fit he throws as he leaves. "I'm better looking than Clay," he hisses, and he agree, maybe a little, if you look at him from the right side. Slightly less queeny, too.

Next, a girl who SFist Jackson suspects of having a nose job. Maybe yes; from the sound of things, it's possible that she's coverted her entire head into nasal cavity. Paula's eyes glaze over: "it sounds like you're wearing a retainer," she drifts. The girl explains that her mouth is dry. Oh. Um. Okay. The girl's friends/family are waiting outside wearing custom sweatshirts with the girl's face and American Idol badge number, which combine to convincingly resemble a mug shot.

Rejected, the girl emerges and... lies! She tells everyone that the judges loved her. The show gets all Zapruder and replays Simon's snarky insults over and over again. Give yourself a pat on the back, American Idol, for proving conclusively that this girl is not an award-winning singer, lies compulsively, and shot Kennedy.

Chris Ciompi (who we SWEAR we know from somewhere but isn't on Friendster so there's no way to check) of WeHo sings the throaty black lady song about a chain of fools. He claims to have sung on cruise ships and studied Opera at Rice, and though our thorough investigation revealed that he did, in fact, hold a role in a school production of Oklahomo, the boat seems to have sailed on his singing career. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! The kid's awesome, though, because Brandy appears to be visibly angered by his performance. Sweet.

Simon remarks that one contestant sounds like a professional karaoke singer. Paula comes out of her haze for a minute to fixate on that little nugget - she calls BS, in disbelief that professional karaoke really exist. Simon clings to the claim. Nobody can prove anything. Some girl in a cow suit wanders on, fingers her udder provocatively while singing, then gets her feelings hurt when nobody takes her seriously as an artist. Yeah...this show's winding down, we think.

Another fun commercial, this one for McDonald's. It features the gay latino husband who's been in a couple of them now; the "I spend all my time thinking about bass fishing" guy. It also appears to star the quirky vet from the T-Mobile commercial with the phone-eating bulldog. We love that lady. Is there a definitive IMDb for movies? We wish there was. Oh, there was also a commercial for a show with Paris Hilton in there somewhere, which we only mention because it'll triple our site traffic.

Last-of-all, we see another Molfetta audition. If you haven't been following this story from previous episodes, don't worry too much about it; like most gay pr0n films, the plot's pretty damn weak. Basically, two sexy brothers sing love songs to each other; they both audition but one's better at it than the other; longing gazes and batted eyelashes ensue. Rich, the slightly hotter and more talented clone, made it in on his second try in LVNV; JP's in SF hoping he'll get lucky with his brother.

He doesn't, by the way. JP's cute and sweet, and he's got the puppydoggest face ever...but it's not good enough. Simon says he's desperate - yes, of course he is, that's what makes him soooo huggable right now - and JP proves the point by diving hopelessly into yet another audition attempt, which is immediately cut off. "Let me try a different song" is always a shorthand for "cut me right this instant." The last we see of JP, he's slinking sadly off into San Francisco, presumably to console himself over his breakup with the greatest lover he'd ever known. Poor JP. Well, we hope he stuck around town; San Francisco's a good town to stay a while and forget about your old life. So if you run into JP shrugging sadly about the Castro, be gentle. He's had a rough couple of weeks. And we loved every minute of it.

So here's the blog roundup: people who are commenting on the show. Click at your own risk. Most are pretty good. The others are pretty It's 11 P.M. And We Want To Go To Bed Instead Of Staying Up To Write About This Damn Show. Jacob's Television Without Pity reviews are always a scream, so start there.

http://televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=89&story=7413&limit=&sort=

http://www.livejournal.com/users/tdslacker/20340.html

http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/american_idol_4/2005_Feb_03_chris_wylde

http://corrieai.blogspot.com/2005/02/american-idol-visits-san-francisco.html

http://americanidolauditiontraining.blogs.com/marisa/2005/02/no_more_america.html

http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2005/02/simon_cowells_5.html

http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2005/02/nadia_turner_fr.html

http://diner-bitch.com/archives/2005/02/02/they-lost-their-minds-in-san-francisco/

http://idolonfox.com/recaps/