If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em ... and THEN Beat 'em.

Ah, the love of a man for a beautiful woman. Isn't it sweet? Frankly, no, we find the prospect of heterosexual relations completely offensive. We were reminded today (when an inside source leaked to us, a whole day before publish-date, AskMen.com's list of the "Top 99 Most Desirable Women") of our high school's Health Class: We were discussing the injurious effects of gender roles, and the clueless teacher added an additional layer of meaning to the lesson when he randomly called upon us and asked, "...for example, you - what physical characteristics do you consider to be desirable in women?" We replied, "tall, dark, hairy, and hung." It was episodes such as these that caused our move to San Francisco to come as no surprise to anyone.

The women on AskMen.com's tedious list are all extremely thin, coiffed, and wealthy...in other words, probably not you. Big yawn. We'd much rather have seen a list of "Top 99 Women We Desire to Be" - we hereby nominate Olivia N-J, Betty White, Miss Cleo, and Kristen Johnson... but most of all, we long to be as fab as Star Jones. Girlfriend's new husband surely knows what we mean. We ask you, men: anyone else belong on that list?