Over the Counter With the Trimethyldioxypurist
One day soon we'll get back to reviewing Bay Area coffee joints -- presumably next week; we've got our eyes on visiting Oak-town, thanks to loyal reader Kerwin for the suggestions.
Much like our experience in Boston, the nasty weather lately speaks to the needs of convenient caffeine. With buses running behind, traffic slowing, or possibly just a desire to stay home and keep dry, opportunities to visit a coffeehouse may be limited. You can surely make coffee at home, but there may be other occasions to check out caffeine on demand, caffeine ready made, caffeine over the counter. After all, as caffeine is the most commonly used drug in the world, we can't let a little thing like "lack of convenience" stop us.
The final impetus behind writing about OTC caffeine drinks was a conversation with a reader that happens to work for Anheuser-Busch alerting us to the fact that Bud would soon have a product that could be fodder for the Trimethyldioxypurist. Awww, yeah -- beer with caffeine. We'd been studying the shelves in our corner grocery ever since; the product finally showed up there a few days ago.
What follows are three quick product reviews of drinks readily available from your corner store that contain caffeine, listed in order of "conventional" to "less so."
1. Starbucks brand refrigerated coffee drinks.
Well, they've taken over the real estate in every commercial/business district, but that wasn't enough -- now Starbucks wants your grocers' shelves too. There are a variety of flavors; even a "doubleshot" brand in a small can that purports to be espresso. While that may have honestly been more to our liking, we went with the "bottled frappuccino" product, specifically the "Mocha Lite" flavor.
If your coffee preferences run to strong, bitter, and flavorful, this is not the product for you -- naturally, the Trimethyldioxypurist pretty much hated it. Of course, coffee critics (or those pretending to be) are not the target market for these things. Far too sweet, far too milky -- perhaps if you enjoy coffee ice cream, you'd enjoy this thing. The caffeine levels paled in comparison to brewed coffee as well.
Verdict: waste of time, except perhaps to satisfy a sweet tooth.
2. Red Bull energy drink.
Ah, Red Bull, much ballyhooed on the "rave" circuit as the drink that (usually mixed with vodka) keeps those crazy teens and twenty-somethings going all night. We sampled this before an afternoon of activity that we usually dread -- getting a haircut and then going shopping with Mrs. Trimethyldioxypurist. C8-H10-N4-O2 give me strength!
So how did Red Bull match up? Surprisingly well, actually. Whether it was simply the caffeine in the drink or perhaps contributions from the other enriched vitamins, it really did get the job done in terms of get-up-and-go. The caveat is the taste -- not so great going down, though the carbonation is pleasant; tasted a little like children's cherry cough medicine.
Verdict: Good in a pinch; perhaps even nice to reach for on a hot day (we'll have to reexamine in a few months).
3. Anheuser-Busch's "BE" ("B-to-the-E")
Clearly trying to jump on the "Red Bull-plus-vodka" bandwagon, this new product from A.B. has several innovations; most notable in our opinion is the application of concepts like adding exponents to product titles.
Questionable product name aside, how did "BE" fare under the stringent Trimethyldioxypurist's test? Two words: not well.
First, it tastes like a fraternity house the day after a party. Sure, the pledges cleaned up and there's some industrial-cleaner-type sweetness, but it's not enough to cover the rank stench of stale beer. The combination of those sensations, in fact, makes it worse. And look -- Red Bull (which is strong) plus vodka (which is strong) achieves a certain goal--getting wasted plus helping you to last longer. "BE", in its 10-ounce can, doesn't have much strength in either regard. Finally, at least in our case, the disgusting taste tends to revisit you in the form of belching every so often after you've consumed it. This is a beer product, after all.
Verdict: Avoid at all costs, except perhaps to try once, as a novelty. After all, isn't it sort of fun to reminisce on now-defunct products? New Coke? Crystal Pespi? WebVan? Mr. T cereal, anyone?