The Essefficist Strikes Back

Next, to Bill, who asks two questions:

First, "How long can you keep condoms before they go bad? Let's assume they're just in your bedroom, not your wallet."

And second, "What should you do if you're invited to a party, and you ask a mutual friend if they're planning to attend, and you find out that the friend hasn't been invited? I mean, how awkward?"

First off, Bill, condoms should last three to five years under ideal situations, which means unopened, protected from strong light, and in a cool dry place, not, as you readily admit, in your back pocket. Every condom has an expiration date stamped on its packaging, so you just have to take a look to see that it hasn't been sitting around too long, that the wrapper's intact, and that it looks like it's in good shape, and your ready to go to town.

Now, five years is a long tome to have a rubber sitting around in the night stand, Bill, so if it's been a while since you've scored, you've got a condom stamped "Manufactured 09-07-99," and you just happen to get lucky tonight, go here for a little refresher course on how to strap on that jimmy cap.

If you're a real pack rat and you've got some dried up old connies that you've had for even more than five years, it's best not to rely on them for birth control or STD protection anymore, but we're happy to report that you don't have to throw them out because there's a guy in New York city who's got a great idea as to what to do with them.

Now, about that party invitation, Bill. Awkward indeed, and then some. Ouch. This difficult and complicated situation calls for a bipartite solution.

First thing you should do — and this is tough, but we think you can pull it off — is feel like a big dumbass. While it may in fact be the case that the person who didn't bother to invite both you and your unfortunate companion to his (or her) fete is technically responsible for the textbook social faux pas here, it is you, the true social dumbass, who has driven the point home to your loser friend who didn't get invited. The first lesson here, then, is that you should watch what you say when considering broaching perilous subject matter such as invitation-only parties lest you eat your toes. Better to inquire about general plans first — "Yar, dude, what are you doing on Friday night?" — so that you may survey the terrain before you and avoid any obvious pitfalls, rather than turning directly to potentially embarrassing specifics — "Yar, dude, did yo get invited to Biff's kegger, or are you a big dork that no one likes?"

Having learned this bitter lesson, Bill, the second thing you must now do is play it off as though Biff surely meant to invite the loser to his kegger and that said loser should attend, er, crash, the the party regardless. Then it's up to Biff to explain himself, thereby getting your own bad self officially off the hook. Presto! Awkwardness all gone! Now you're off to BevMo for the peach schnapps.

So, at long last, we trn at last to Steve M's classic question, "Does anyone really exchange casual unpaid sex via Craig’s List?" Let us first say that it's very surprising how very prudish total sluts can be. As we told you last week, we sent an email to thirty anonymous posters on the Craig's List Casual Encounters boards soliciting information on their various conquests and not one person, be they M4W, W4M, M4M, W4W, M4MW, W4MW, MW4M, MW4MW, MM4M, WW4M, WW4MW, MM4Mw, or W4MMMMMMM, responded to our informal survey. What's up with that? You'll sleep with strangers but you won't talk to strangers? Seems like you listened to mommy's advice rather selectively growing up.

So anyway, do people really score with strangers via CL? In a word, yes. Unfortunately, though, we have a really embarrassingly small sample size to draw from, because we got only one email from a reader (M4M) and annecdotal evidence regarding three other people who've had successful rendezvous (two W4M, one M4W). Here's the anecdotal stuff in brief: a man who met a woman who had posted three times (they met three times, sleeping together the second and third times); a man who posts (and maybe responds to) ads when things are a little slow and actually makes it happen with women he doesn't know; and a woman who "trolls on Casual Encounters all the time." The email detailed the following sordid tale:

"Anyway, I was going to tell you that I have used Craiglist for booty calls.
Three times, in fact, in the last week. What can I say? I'm single again
after a four and a half year relationship.

"I'm gay, so the ability to find ways to hookup with men online shouldn't be a surprise. What may be somewhat unusual is the fact that I'm not exactly a skinny young prettyboy, I'm honest in my description, and I send out a recent photo.

"I'm looking over my booty call email account, which I think is what free webmail is for. I only began using craigslist recently, so I can give you a quick rundown of my activity.

"I've answered 16 ads on craigslist, but placed none. I chose each ad based both on the guy's self-description and the things he was looking for.

"For each one, I described myself and included either a photo or a link to some online photos. I usually describe the things I like to do in bed. I can be evocative when I need to be, but I don't go into too much detail. Most guys will make their decision based on a glance at my pic and stats, not my prose.

"I've received eight responses. All included photos. One guy quickly wrote back that he thought we were "not a match", but he included his photo out of politeness. A second was also a "not a match" when he realized that I'm more of a bear than he initially thought.

"Although the rest were initially interested, things didn't always pan out.

"One guy didn't have a car or a place to host, and he lived in [the Penninsula]. I'm in [the East Bay], and that just wasn't worth it.

"Another resulted in a chain of emails, but the timing didn't work out.

"Yet another was looking for someone a bit closer to his age (early 40s), but was willing if I was attracted to him. I decided to pass, although he is cute.

"I did meet up with three of them.

"First guy was a late night booty call to Alameda. He lived in a basement apartment that looked like the dumping ground for every Cal fratboy's dirty laundry and empty pizza boxes. He was a cute stocky Latino in his mid-20s, and he greeted me with a kiss and a smile. We ended up having sex (duh!). In the end, though, I think he wasn't really attracted to me as much as he wanted to have sex with someone and I just happened to be there. I guess that's a fine line to distinguish, but I based it on the things he was willing to do for me and the things he just wanted me to do to him. (I can be more specific if you want.) We parted on a positive note. He hasn't kept in touch, and I don't expect him to.

"Second guy (also Latin) sounded hot, but turned out to weigh a whole lot more than he initially told me. Now, I'm not necessarily turned off by big guys, but don't tell me that you weigh the same as me if we're gonna get naked in an hour or so. It's just rude.

"What I didn't initially realize was that he was also high on something, probably crystal meth. He lost his erection, and I didn't really care. I became the selfish one, and he took the hint and left.

"The third guy (ALSO Latin! What's going on, here? Am I sending off some sort of pheromone?) figured out my yahoo messenger screenname. We chatted some, then spoke on the phone. We met up today in the city for coffee, then headed back to his place to watch TV. We couldn't actually fool around, so we mostly talked (although we did kiss a bit). He ended up being a really nice guy, and more of a date than a hookup. We made plans for later this weekend, then we probably will finally break down and do it. Wow, who knew that waiting for it could be so sexy?

"Oy, I can't believe I'm writing all this stuff. You can feel free to print whatever's useable, and I'll answer any questions that you care to lob at me."

So there you have it; at long last we can tell you that yes, people do get action on the Craig's List message boards. Kind of anticlimactic, no?

Tune in next Tuesday. Email your questions about San Francisco, your life, and all other nonsense to the Essefficist or just post them in the comments.